Relate to God in Real Time

Going Vertical: Talking to the Father

Union with Christ enables us to focus on the various ways that we are connected to Jesus (see previous blog). Now we need to bring these truths into the real life fight to grow in grace. So here is the challenge: how do we take the truth of our union with Christ and utilize it in such a way that we relate to God during our struggle and therefore actually change? That’s step 8.

Step 8

Your union with Christ should move you in two ways: a lifestyle of repentance (or “deconstruction”) and faith (or “reconstruction”). What does this look like?

Gospel Deconstruction: Repentance

I’ll start by sharing an example from my own life—follow along as I highlight a few themes from the previous blogs.

Look Around You (You, Baggage, Terrain, Weather)

Late one afternoon, I was sitting in my house enjoying some peace and quiet. This always works better when no one else is around to interrupt you! At just the moment that I was contemplating how peaceful it was, the front door opened and then was quickly slammed. I immediately felt tense and a bit agitated. It was my teenage daughter coming home from school. I managed to welcome her home by saying, “Hey, how was your day?” I got a terse response: “Why would you care?” She proceeded to stomp up one flight of stairs, then stomp down the hallway and stomp up the second flight of stairs. Then I heard it again: she slammed her bedroom door! What was a peaceful, quiet afternoon in the house was shattered in about 15 seconds.

Gauge Your Reactions

I could feel myself tense up immediately. There was that all-too familiar struggle with irritation and anger. It was a personal battle within that occasionally spilled over into my interpersonal relationships. It was as if I was standing at the junction: would I respond in the right way?

Look Under the Hood

Why was I irritated? What was I not getting that I wanted? On the surface, there was nothing inherently sinful in my desires. But in that moment, they had become something that I was living for, or worshiping, more than Christ:

• Peace and Comfort: I had been working with people all day and all I wanted was some down time from the challenges of what other people wanted. Drinking a diet coke and catching up on the daily news on TV was bliss. As soon as my daughter entered the house, the atmosphere had been ruined. Peace and comfort, which can be very good things, had morphed into something I was living for.

• Appreciation and Respect: Who doesn’t want appreciation, especially from your own son or daughter? After all the sacrifices you make for them, the least they could do is show respect! In this instance I felt disrespected when my daughter did not respond positively to my greeting. Appreciation and respect, which can be very good things, had morphed into something I was living for.

Gospel Reconstruction: Faith

This is where the reconstruction began. It started with a desperate cry for help to God and continued into ongoing conversation with him. It just happened that I had been doing some sermon preparation earlier that morning on a passage in 1 Corinthians 1. (Of course, these things never “just happen!”) The one verse that stood out was 1 Corinthians 1 v 30.

It is because of [God] that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

That verse captures a host of the blessings that we discussed in the previous blog. And as I studied it, it had begun to penetrate deep into my soul. It was beautiful in its simplicity. It captured so many of the blessings that were mine because I was in Christ. These truths enabled me to start talking to God and turn from gazing at daily pleasures like peace, comfort, appreciation and respect and start gazing at Christ.

So as I rounded the corner at the top of the first flight of stairs and uttered my simple prayer—“Help me, God. Here I go again”—something astonishing happened. What followed was utterly miraculous, though no one would have been able to see the transformation that was going on in my soul at the moment. Here is how it unfolded:

• By God’s grace, I was beginning to see how I was living for peace, comfort and respect rather than for Christ. Seeing patterns and signature temptations is a work of the Spirit.

• I started to cry out to God for help. This simple pivot took me out of myself and directly to God.

• I began to talk to God based on 1 Corinthians 1 v 30. The truth of Scripture began at the “head-level” but moved to a deeper place. I began to relate to God. The written word enabled me to engage with God and talk to him.

• The truths in that one verse reminded me of my connection to Christ. They captured who I was in Christ and how that was deeper, more profound and more beautiful than anything else in this world; even good things like peace, comfort, appreciation and respect!

It is encouraging to know that there is hope for these everyday moments in your personal and interpersonal life.

You can find a full explanation and illustration of this in Chapter 8 of Unstuck: A Nine-Step Journey to Change That Lasts

The Key to Change

Union with Christ

Ready to Turn Right

Over the past few blogs, we've looked back to what Christ has done for us and how his Spirit is at work in us. We've looked around us at our circumstances. We've looked down the left fork—our negative responses and the desires that drive them. So how do we go about actually taking the right fork—choosing moment by moment to do the right thing? That's where we are headed beginning in this blog and the ones to follow.

The More You Know?

So how does ongoing change happen? We tend to think that if we just know the right things, change will follow. It’s the approach taken by the public service commercials on American TV. The commercial briefly describes the social problem (teenage pregnancy, obesity, heart disease, etc.), and then provides some helpful advice to address the problem. The commercial always ends with this statement: “The more you know.” In other words, Right thinking will lead to right behavior. We might call this a cognitive-behavioral approach. Research shows that very few people actually follow the advice that is given.

Many professing Christians approach the Christian life in the same way. The thinking is that if you struggle with worry, lust, gossip, greed, anger or addictions (you pick your problem), the best way to change is through awareness and information. “The more you know…”

It’s true that knowledge is important. If that weren’t true, then writing and reading this blog would be useless! Change won’t come if we don’t think rightly. But there is so much more to it than facts. After all, I know how I ought to treat my wife; but sometimes I don’t treat her in the way I know I should. I know what the speed limit on the freeway is; that knowledge alone does not mean I will change my driving habits. There must be another dynamic in addition to right thinking.

It's All About Relationship

Union with Christ

At first sight, it might seem that Paul agrees with the cognitive-behavioral approach. He says in Romans 12 v 2:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So, renewing your mind leads to transformation, right? Not quite—because when Paul talks about the mind, he’s talking not just about our intellectual capacity, but our inner person. If we were neuroscientists, we might say that Paul is speaking about the linkage between the rational brain and the emotional brain. But actually, Paul’s talking about something spiritual here—any biological change is enabled by God’s grace anyway! He is describing the part of someone that makes them tick; the central core of who a person is and what they live for. For Paul, if you are not changed at the core of who you are, change in your behavior will not follow. Real change begins at the level of what we honor, treasure, adore and worship on a daily basis.

This is how commentator William Hendricksen states what Paul means in these verses:

Paul does not say, ‘Substitute one outward fashion for another.’ … What is needed is ‘transformation,’ inner change, the renewing of the mind, that is, not only of the organ of thinking and reasoning but of the inner disposition; better still, of the heart, the inner being.

In other words, change must happen at a deeper level than just thinking and behaving.

What does this look like practically? It is more than talking to yourself and trying to convince yourself to change. It involves more than telling yourself to not worry, or get angry, or look at pornography because it is wrong. It is more than thinking positive thoughts (even biblical ones). It is even more than reminding yourself of who you are in Christ!

It involves talking to and relating to Christ in the midst of your anxiety, anger and addiction, or whatever your battle is. Since God is personal, change will be the result of you relating to him personally as you struggle. Because when you relate to Jesus in this way, gratitude and joy for his grace begin to work their way down deep into your soul. This is what drives true change! Relating to Jesus in this way could be called Christian meditation. It can be done alone in a quiet place or right in the middle of a hectic day—essentially, this word describes what it means to enter into a relationship and converse with a personal, loving, gracious God.

So here is the right way to approach change: right relating to God based upon right thinking about God will lead to right living before God. This does not mean it will be easy to overcome your struggles, nor does it mean that change will happen automatically or quickly. Rather, it will happen gradually over time. But it will happen.

In chapter 7 of Unstuck: A Nine-Step Journey to Change that Lasts, I consider how the various ways that our union with Christ is described can be used as a means of connecting with God in practical ways while facing temptation and suffering.

Do Your Responses to Your Circumstances Matter?

As we continue down this path of change, it is now that we must pay attention to the ways we react to our circumstances. In this chapter of Unstuck: A Nine-Step Journey to Change that Lasts, we take our first pivot inward in a “critical” way. But before we do, remember where we have traveled so far.

• Step 1: You are in Christ and secure in His love.

• Step 2: The Holy Spirit is already at work in you.

• Step 3: Change will happen along the contours of your personality and emotional life.

• Step 4: You have given careful and appropriate attention to your shaping influences.

Now, as you stand at the junction, how will you respond to your circumstances? This step is critical to understanding where you are growing as well as where you need to grow! As we saw in step 2, the Spirit is presently at work in you so you will see responses that are pleasing to God and helpful to others. But you will also see areas where change needs to happen. So, how do you know what to look for? What are good responses and what are responses that indicate change needs to happen? There are many places in Scripture to find answers to these questions. The 10 commandments is one place. The one I choose to highlight in my book is the Fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:19-25.

Gauge Your Reactions

Unwise Responses: Life According to the Sinful Nature

The acts of the [sinful nature] are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (v 19-21)

• False worship. “Idolatry and witchcraft”: This includes any form of worship that is not directed towards the Christian God; Father, Son and Spirit. We are prone to worship (essentially, “give worth to”) many other things instead—from our relationships to our reputation. Notice that false worship leads to a host of behaviors that are ungodly.

• A lack of self-control over bodily pleasures like sex, food and drink. “Sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery … drunkenness, orgies, and the like”: This includes any sexual activity between unmarried people (real or imagined), unnatural sexual practices and relationships, and uncontrolled sexuality.

• Destructive attitudes: “Hatred … jealousy… selfish ambition … envy.”.

• Destructive results of destructive attitudes with others: “Discord … fits of rage … dissensions, factions.”

Paul says that anyone who practices these things without any repentance is not a Christian—they “will not inherit the kingdom of God” (v 21). But remember, this list is being written to a group of believers. That must mean that Christians can be tempted to live in these ways. Because we are not made completely perfect when we become Christians, we will see ongoing warfare and struggle in these areas; and in some areas more than others, due to the life-shaping experiences that we discussed in chapter 4. One Christian may be more prone to struggle in the area of sexual purity, while another may be more prone to struggle with an attitude of envy.

Nonetheless, this first list highlights those things that are contrary to change.

Wise Responses: Life According to the Spirit

In the next list, Paul shows us the character qualities that should be developing in us as a consequence of our new relationship with God:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Paul lists three sets of three qualities, which encompass all of life; your relationship with God, others and yourself. Notice how they are contrasted to the list of sinful responses listed above.

Your Attitude Toward God: True Worship

• Love: for God in light of all he has done for you in Christ.

• Joy: a delight in God for who he is, not just for what he has to offer.

• Peace: you have peace with God, and confidence and rest in his wisdom and sovereignty.

Your Attitude Towards Others: Love for Others

• Forbearance: patience with others when they sin against you or persecute you.

• Kindness: a general disposition of humility and encouragement towards others.

• Goodness: showing God’s love to others in word and deed.

Your Personal Integrity: Self-Control

• Faithfulness: to be utterly reliable and true to your word.

• Gentleness: being humble in your own self-assessment rather than self-righteous.

• Self-control: expressed in faithfulness and gentleness, rather than being carried along by your impulses.

These two lists could not be any more different! And God desires for every one of his children to grow this fruit, because these godly responses reflect his own character. This is precisely what the Holy Spirit wants to do in your life. Amazing!

And as you look down that list, isn’t that what you want too? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to always live like that? Scripture paints a picture of godly living in order to spur you on to change. You can find similar comparisons between the “old” lifestyle and the “new” lifestyle in passages like Colossians 3 v 5-17, Ephesians 4 v 17-32 and James 3 v 13-18.

You can find more information in chapter 5 of Unstuck: A Nine Step Journey to Change that Lasts

Personality Assessments: Are They Helpful?

As we continue to think about the change process, one step that is often overlooked is someone’s personality. It is important to understand your own as well as other’s because there are certain things that do not change. In fact, growth in grace will take shape along the contours of your distinct personality. This is where personality assessments can be helpful. Consider the following example:

Step 3, Part 1: Understanding Personality

Joseph and Stuart

Joseph and Stuart were business partners. Stuart was great at sales and Joseph handled all the systems to keep up with the data: the clients, income, expenses, and profit. The two of them worked well together for the first five years and business was booming.

But something started to change. Whereas they used to always have each other’s back, over time the relationship began to crumble. Little resentments and frustrations became more and more pronounced. Joseph would get frustrated with Stuart because he didn’t appreciate all the hard work Joseph was doing in the office. Stuart began to get frustrated with Joseph because he never seemed very excited when Stuart landed a new client. Stuart was loud and funny, and the life of the party, while Joseph was more reserved and would often go unnoticed. Resentment grew. Several years later, Joseph tried to push Stuart out of the business and they eventually wound up in a lawsuit.

Do you see what was happening? Joseph and Stuart have different strengths that add value to the business and make it successful. But the problem comes when each person over-values their own strengths and under-values the other person’s strengths. Then they start to see the other person’s strengths as weaknesses. This leads to uncharitable attitudes, which lead to broken relationships.

What personality assessments seek to do is to make an individual aware of their own strengths and weaknesses and also the strengths and weaknesses of others so that they can work better together. Understanding leads to harmony, while misunderstanding leads to hurtful and potentially destructive conflict.

Most personality assessments are essentially measuring similar things. For example:

• Are you an introvert or extrovert?

• Do you prefer accomplishing tasks with people or being with people to accomplish a task?

• How do you relate to others in groups and one on one?

• How quickly do you make decision?

• Are you a very structured person?

• How are you motivated?

• What is your style of conflict?

• What kinds of things are you interested in?

• How do you relax and recharge?

These assessments can be used wisely by Christians to understand themselves and others better. After all, our personality and emotional makeup are part of the unique and wonderful way that we have been created by God. As such, much of our personality and emotional makeup is present from birth, but they can also be shaped as we grow up.

The Bible celebrates personality by painting pictures of very unique individuals. Consider the apostle Peter. Whenever Jesus asks a question, Peter is often the one who speaks up. He’s the first disciple to blurt out that Jesus is the Christ (Matthew 16 v 13-20). He’s the only disciple who initially refuses to let Jesus wash his feet (John 13 v 6-9). In the Garden of Gethsemane, he’s adamant that he will lay down his life for Jesus—but it turns out he’s all talk (v 31-38). Through all his faults and failings, we get the distinct impression from the Gospel accounts that Peter is an expressive, outgoing guy!

Understanding personality could have helped Joseph and Stuart

Unstuck: A nine-step journey to change that lasts

By Timothy Lane

Buy on Amazon

Joseph and Stuart are very different. Joseph is an introvert and needs time to focus so that he can get his work done. Stuart, on the other hand, is an extrovert and is drawn to people. These differences made their business successful. Stuart left the office and spent time with people selling the product, while Joseph stayed in the office and kept up with the details. Joseph and Stuart are stronger and weaker at different things, but there is nothing inherently sinful in the way that they get things done.

However, at some point Joseph and Stuart started being critical of each other’s weaknesses, and feeling like their strengths weren’t being appreciated by the other. Their differences led to misunderstanding, which led to uncharitable perceptions and attitudes, and in turn led to sinful pride, criticism and defensiveness. Had Joseph and Stuart known how their differences were a good thing, they could have avoided the conflict.

Now, if Joseph and Stuart were going to continue to work together, they would need to admit and confess their sinful attitudes and actions towards each other and forgive one another. But they would also need to understand their different personalities, strengths and ways of getting things done in order to move forward.

The truth is that sometimes we are too quick to go on a sin hunt in another person’s life when what we are dealing with are simple but important differences. We’ve all been uniquely wired by God. Understanding our own and other people's personalities will help us to remain humble and grateful for one another. It can also remind us that growth in grace will take shape along the contours of your distinct personality.

For more on personality and emotional intelligence, purchase the 5 session video workshop as an online course by following this link: ONLINE COURSES

That Wonderful/Horrible Word

“Change”…...Go ahead, say that word out loud. What is the first thought and emotion that you experience when you see and say the word “change”?

• Gratitude?

• Fear?

• Excitement?

• Guilt?

• Sadness?

• Inadequacy?

• Happiness?

• Anger?

In most of my counseling experience, the “change” word conjures up feelings of guilt. The person has failed and they need to change. For others, it conjures up feelings of shame. They are flawed. There is something wrong with “me”.

Unfortunately, that very common experience of guilt and shame is hard to shake. It can be rather debilitating for some.

In my book, Unstuck: A Nine Step Journey to Change that Lasts, Step 1 (Get Grounded: In Christ) is critical to avoid steering into either the guilt or shame ditch. If you don’t feel safe admitting you need to change, you won’t come out of hiding and face areas in your life that need work. Instead, you will deny the problem, blame others, or minimize it.

Step 2: Scavenger Hunt

What is also true, though, is when someone takes a look at their lives with a view towards change, it has likely been provoked by some failure. I need/ought to be more patient with my children because I have been irritable lately. I need/ought to be more careful about my screen time because I gave in to the temptation to buy something I didn’t need or I veered off into that pornographic website. Change can focus all of your attention on your failures.

That is why you have to go on a scavenger hunt in your life for evidence of God’s gracious work. It’s there, but you have become nearsighted to only see the bad. Let me give you an example of an experience I had counseling a couple.

What They Saw

• We are constantly fighting about nothing

• We are not being a good example to our children

• We are not working as a team

• We are repeating our parents’ mistakes

• We are moving further apart and we fear separation and divorce

• There is no way God loves us in light of all of these things

What I Saw

• They were seeking help by coming to me

• They were genuine Christians who cared about letting their professed faith make a difference in their lives

• They both sincerely cared for each other

• When they told me how they met, it was with deep joy

• They were involved in their church and connected with a small group where they met regularly

• They had been married for almost 20 years

• Their children were professing Christians who loved their parents

• I was able to remind them of God’s consistent love for those who belong to Him through Jesus

Unstuck: A nine-step journey to change that lasts

By Timothy Lane

Buy on Amazon

Those two lists could not be more different. I had the opportunity to help them see where God was presently at work in their marriage because they could not. I went on a scavenger hunt for evidence of God’s work in their lives. That shift in gaze made all the difference in the world.

The apostle Paul captures this same positive sentiment in Philippians 1:6 when he says, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Seeing his ongoing work in your life and in others is critical to the change process.

Has this step been missing in your life? How can you be more mindful of his work in your life this week? Perhaps you can find opportunities to encourage someone by helping them see evidences of God’s Spirit in their lives.