Love Others for the Long Term

Loving Others

Step 9

Love Others for the Long Term

So far we’ve covered eight steps that help us to choose the “right fork” at our junction. And I hope that by now you’ve been encouraged by some victories in your battle, however small. 

But… then what? In those moments when we do respond to circumstances in the right way, what happens next?

In the previous blog, I explained a situation in which my daughter came home from school and interrupted my peaceful, quiet time alone with a disrespectful response to my greeting. Let me continue to tell you what transpired once I got to my daughter’s bedroom.

Immediately after tapping on the door (instead of banging in anger), I was able to say in a calm voice, “How are you doing and would you like to talk?” An amazing change had transpired in me. My body language, tone of voice, emotions, choice of words, and how I knocked on the door had been radically altered. The drama of redemption had played out in my life and my daughter had no idea that she had been rescued from me because I had been rescued from myself… by God’s gracious help.

Yet as soon as those calm words came out of my mouth, my daughter responded in a way that might surprise and frustrate you: “Go away! I don’t want to talk to anyone, not even you!”

Wow! Now I was faced with a new situation. How would I respond to her response? Would I become self-righteous on the heels of my transformation? “How can she act that way toward me, especially after I was so godly?” It almost sounds funny, doesn’t it? Thankfully, I was able to respond in a quiet manner with these words: “That’s fine; if you want to talk, I’ll be downstairs. Dinner will be ready in an hour.”

Sometimes we will choose the path of obedience and find that we still don’t get what we hope for. Our attempts at change will sometimes go unappreciated. Maybe your spouse doesn’t even notice the efforts you make at de-escalating a conflict. Or perhaps you’ve offered an apology to someone for your behavior in the past, but they’ve continued to spurn it.

And this isn’t just the case in our relationships with other people—sometimes we’ll end up frustrated at ourselves, too. We’ll find that our sin clings tight, and that our small victories are just one battle in a larger war. Maybe you’ve managed to go a whole week without pornography—but you find that the unwanted images continue to replay in your mind. Or if you struggle with anxiety, you might be encouraged by your response to one stressful situation, only to be thrown off course by the next. When that happens, we need to keep in mind the big picture. We need to play the long game.

In one given moment, there’s usually only a small difference between the left and right paths. But if we keep choosing right, time after time, our lives will end up in a different place altogether than if we’d kept choosing the left path. It’s about long-term difference. Sometimes, we’ll still do the wrong thing—we’ll “go left.” But it’s the bigger picture that matters. And the more we go right, the easier it is to go right next time. The left path starts to look more “overgrown” as our habits change.

Imagine if my daughter grew up in a family where, for 18 years, her father was always dropping the hammer. Imagine, though, if she grew up in a family where, for 18 years, her father was growing in grace and showing humility and patience, albeit imperfectly. These little moments may seem inconsequential, but not when you view them within the larger perspective of months and years. These two father/daughter relationships may not look that different early on, but they will look radically different over the course of many years. That is the larger perspective we need to have when we consider the process of growth in grace. Every little moment counts!

This is a short excerpt from Chapter 9 of Unstuck: A Nine-Step Journey to Change That Lasts.

Relate to God in Real Time

Going Vertical: Talking to the Father

Union with Christ enables us to focus on the various ways that we are connected to Jesus (see previous blog). Now we need to bring these truths into the real life fight to grow in grace. So here is the challenge: how do we take the truth of our union with Christ and utilize it in such a way that we relate to God during our struggle and therefore actually change? That’s step 8.

Step 8

Your union with Christ should move you in two ways: a lifestyle of repentance (or “deconstruction”) and faith (or “reconstruction”). What does this look like?

Gospel Deconstruction: Repentance

I’ll start by sharing an example from my own life—follow along as I highlight a few themes from the previous blogs.

Look Around You (You, Baggage, Terrain, Weather)

Late one afternoon, I was sitting in my house enjoying some peace and quiet. This always works better when no one else is around to interrupt you! At just the moment that I was contemplating how peaceful it was, the front door opened and then was quickly slammed. I immediately felt tense and a bit agitated. It was my teenage daughter coming home from school. I managed to welcome her home by saying, “Hey, how was your day?” I got a terse response: “Why would you care?” She proceeded to stomp up one flight of stairs, then stomp down the hallway and stomp up the second flight of stairs. Then I heard it again: she slammed her bedroom door! What was a peaceful, quiet afternoon in the house was shattered in about 15 seconds.

Gauge Your Reactions

I could feel myself tense up immediately. There was that all-too familiar struggle with irritation and anger. It was a personal battle within that occasionally spilled over into my interpersonal relationships. It was as if I was standing at the junction: would I respond in the right way?

Look Under the Hood

Why was I irritated? What was I not getting that I wanted? On the surface, there was nothing inherently sinful in my desires. But in that moment, they had become something that I was living for, or worshiping, more than Christ:

• Peace and Comfort: I had been working with people all day and all I wanted was some down time from the challenges of what other people wanted. Drinking a diet coke and catching up on the daily news on TV was bliss. As soon as my daughter entered the house, the atmosphere had been ruined. Peace and comfort, which can be very good things, had morphed into something I was living for.

• Appreciation and Respect: Who doesn’t want appreciation, especially from your own son or daughter? After all the sacrifices you make for them, the least they could do is show respect! In this instance I felt disrespected when my daughter did not respond positively to my greeting. Appreciation and respect, which can be very good things, had morphed into something I was living for.

Gospel Reconstruction: Faith

This is where the reconstruction began. It started with a desperate cry for help to God and continued into ongoing conversation with him. It just happened that I had been doing some sermon preparation earlier that morning on a passage in 1 Corinthians 1. (Of course, these things never “just happen!”) The one verse that stood out was 1 Corinthians 1 v 30.

It is because of [God] that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

That verse captures a host of the blessings that we discussed in the previous blog. And as I studied it, it had begun to penetrate deep into my soul. It was beautiful in its simplicity. It captured so many of the blessings that were mine because I was in Christ. These truths enabled me to start talking to God and turn from gazing at daily pleasures like peace, comfort, appreciation and respect and start gazing at Christ.

So as I rounded the corner at the top of the first flight of stairs and uttered my simple prayer—“Help me, God. Here I go again”—something astonishing happened. What followed was utterly miraculous, though no one would have been able to see the transformation that was going on in my soul at the moment. Here is how it unfolded:

• By God’s grace, I was beginning to see how I was living for peace, comfort and respect rather than for Christ. Seeing patterns and signature temptations is a work of the Spirit.

• I started to cry out to God for help. This simple pivot took me out of myself and directly to God.

• I began to talk to God based on 1 Corinthians 1 v 30. The truth of Scripture began at the “head-level” but moved to a deeper place. I began to relate to God. The written word enabled me to engage with God and talk to him.

• The truths in that one verse reminded me of my connection to Christ. They captured who I was in Christ and how that was deeper, more profound and more beautiful than anything else in this world; even good things like peace, comfort, appreciation and respect!

It is encouraging to know that there is hope for these everyday moments in your personal and interpersonal life.

You can find a full explanation and illustration of this in Chapter 8 of Unstuck: A Nine-Step Journey to Change That Lasts

Personality Assessments: Are They Helpful?

As we continue to think about the change process, one step that is often overlooked is someone’s personality. It is important to understand your own as well as other’s because there are certain things that do not change. In fact, growth in grace will take shape along the contours of your distinct personality. This is where personality assessments can be helpful. Consider the following example:

Step 3, Part 1: Understanding Personality

Joseph and Stuart

Joseph and Stuart were business partners. Stuart was great at sales and Joseph handled all the systems to keep up with the data: the clients, income, expenses, and profit. The two of them worked well together for the first five years and business was booming.

But something started to change. Whereas they used to always have each other’s back, over time the relationship began to crumble. Little resentments and frustrations became more and more pronounced. Joseph would get frustrated with Stuart because he didn’t appreciate all the hard work Joseph was doing in the office. Stuart began to get frustrated with Joseph because he never seemed very excited when Stuart landed a new client. Stuart was loud and funny, and the life of the party, while Joseph was more reserved and would often go unnoticed. Resentment grew. Several years later, Joseph tried to push Stuart out of the business and they eventually wound up in a lawsuit.

Do you see what was happening? Joseph and Stuart have different strengths that add value to the business and make it successful. But the problem comes when each person over-values their own strengths and under-values the other person’s strengths. Then they start to see the other person’s strengths as weaknesses. This leads to uncharitable attitudes, which lead to broken relationships.

What personality assessments seek to do is to make an individual aware of their own strengths and weaknesses and also the strengths and weaknesses of others so that they can work better together. Understanding leads to harmony, while misunderstanding leads to hurtful and potentially destructive conflict.

Most personality assessments are essentially measuring similar things. For example:

• Are you an introvert or extrovert?

• Do you prefer accomplishing tasks with people or being with people to accomplish a task?

• How do you relate to others in groups and one on one?

• How quickly do you make decision?

• Are you a very structured person?

• How are you motivated?

• What is your style of conflict?

• What kinds of things are you interested in?

• How do you relax and recharge?

These assessments can be used wisely by Christians to understand themselves and others better. After all, our personality and emotional makeup are part of the unique and wonderful way that we have been created by God. As such, much of our personality and emotional makeup is present from birth, but they can also be shaped as we grow up.

The Bible celebrates personality by painting pictures of very unique individuals. Consider the apostle Peter. Whenever Jesus asks a question, Peter is often the one who speaks up. He’s the first disciple to blurt out that Jesus is the Christ (Matthew 16 v 13-20). He’s the only disciple who initially refuses to let Jesus wash his feet (John 13 v 6-9). In the Garden of Gethsemane, he’s adamant that he will lay down his life for Jesus—but it turns out he’s all talk (v 31-38). Through all his faults and failings, we get the distinct impression from the Gospel accounts that Peter is an expressive, outgoing guy!

Understanding personality could have helped Joseph and Stuart

Unstuck: A nine-step journey to change that lasts

By Timothy Lane

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Joseph and Stuart are very different. Joseph is an introvert and needs time to focus so that he can get his work done. Stuart, on the other hand, is an extrovert and is drawn to people. These differences made their business successful. Stuart left the office and spent time with people selling the product, while Joseph stayed in the office and kept up with the details. Joseph and Stuart are stronger and weaker at different things, but there is nothing inherently sinful in the way that they get things done.

However, at some point Joseph and Stuart started being critical of each other’s weaknesses, and feeling like their strengths weren’t being appreciated by the other. Their differences led to misunderstanding, which led to uncharitable perceptions and attitudes, and in turn led to sinful pride, criticism and defensiveness. Had Joseph and Stuart known how their differences were a good thing, they could have avoided the conflict.

Now, if Joseph and Stuart were going to continue to work together, they would need to admit and confess their sinful attitudes and actions towards each other and forgive one another. But they would also need to understand their different personalities, strengths and ways of getting things done in order to move forward.

The truth is that sometimes we are too quick to go on a sin hunt in another person’s life when what we are dealing with are simple but important differences. We’ve all been uniquely wired by God. Understanding our own and other people's personalities will help us to remain humble and grateful for one another. It can also remind us that growth in grace will take shape along the contours of your distinct personality.

For more on personality and emotional intelligence, purchase the 5 session video workshop as an online course by following this link: ONLINE COURSES

Christian Mindfulness?

If you are alive and reading these days, you have probably heard the term “mindfulness.”

You might know people who are practicing mindfulness to help them navigate the pressures of daily life. Maybe it’s used in your school or workplaces as a tool to reduce stress and boost creativity. In recent years mindfulness has been promoted by public health bodies as a way to promote mental wellbeing, and as a treatment for depression and anxiety. The guided meditation app Headspace—one of dozens you can find in your app store—has been downloaded over 31 million times.

So what should Christians make of the mindfulness trend? Should we jump on the bandwagon? Should we be suspicious and hold it at arm's length? Or is there another way?

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us (https://www.mindful.org/what-is-mindfulness/).

The theory is that when we are mindful in the present, we can avoid the pitfalls of letting the past or the future hijack us from living in the moment. While definitions can vary, the word “meditation” is often used synonymously with “mindfulness”.

Here’s a sample step by step mindfulness practice:

1. Take a moment to be still and relax.

2. Pay attention to the sensations in your body. If you are anxious, angry, sad, etc, where can you locate that in your body? What is your body saying?

3. Stay present in the moment and focus on what you are thinking and feeling. Do this without judgement, even if it is a “negative” emotion like sadness or anxiety.

4. Label the emotions you are feeling with as much precision as possible.

5. Ask yourself why you feel this way, and what triggered it.

6. Let the emotions pass.

7. Re-enter your world with calm and a commitment to be grateful and caring.

In recent years, scientific research has confirmed what most religious traditions have been saying for a long time: practicing meditation is good for the body and soul. That is why you will find most religious traditions include meditation as a vital element to living out the tenants of one’s beliefs. This is true of the Christian tradition as well.

Today, most mindfulness practices are secular. They don’t emphasize any faith component, which is partly why it has become so popular—mindfulness is for everyone. You don’t have to necessarily believe anything in particular.

What is Christian mindfulness?

I believe that there is a way to practice “Christian mindfulness”—something that connects with the secular trend, but adds a very important dimension. In my new book, Unstuck: A Nine Step Journey to Change that Lasts, I walk through nine steps that share some similarities to the steps above with one main difference: the presence of a personal God, who communes with us and redeems us as we are mindful of his presence with us in the moment.

It is impossible to overstate the difference this makes. Secular mindfulness is personal and horizontal: you pay attention to yourself, so as to be more present for others. Christian mindfulness introduces a vertical dimension: you are paying attention to who God is and your relationship with him through his grace to you in Jesus. This is what is utterly unique about Christian mindfulness.

In one sense, all Christians should be “mindful” Christians. Paul encourages the believers in Philippi to be consciously mindful of the present benefits of being united to Christ.

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion…" (Philippians 2 v 1).

His next statement is a call to live in light of that present reality and awareness.

"… then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (v 2-4)

Christians have a personal, loving, accepting, forgiving, gracious and present Savior, who aides us day by day through the work of the Holy Spirit within us. As we go about our daily lives, with all of the stresses and busyness, we are constantly invited to be mindful of God’s presence with us, his care for us and new power in us that he has provided to face each moment of each day.

One way we are to be “mindful” Christians is through prayer: we are to live our lives as we “pray without ceasing” (I Thessalonians 5 v 17). The word “without ceasing” does not mean “non-stop” but “constantly recurring”—in other words, we are encouraged to punctuate our daily lives with intervals of prayer. You might describe this as living with a moment by moment mindfulness of God’s presence with us.

As you go about your day today, you can practice Christian mindfulness. It isn’t that complicated, and you don’t need an app. Find ways and times to slow down and allow yourself to be mindful of your connection to Christ. As you do, allow his love to calm you and encourage you.

You don’t have to call it “mindfulness”, but all Christians are called to be mindful—mindful of our unity with Christ, and the presence of his Spirit. And it’s with that awareness that we can live with gratitude and move towards others with compassion.

Copyright © 2019 Timothy S. Lane

What is the Fruit of Emotional Intelligence?

Photo by travis bradberry

In the tree to your right, you will see the fruit of emotional intelligence (EQ). If you reflect on your current work environment, you will immediately see why these are so important! They are also incredibly important for all of your relationships.

In his book Emotional Intelligence, Dan Goleman talks about self-control and empathy. If we are going to evidence the types of attitudes and behaviors that we see in the diagram, we have to understand just what it is we need to focus on as we seek to grow in EQ. Goleman says:

For one, impulse is the medium of emotion; the seed of all impulse is a feeling bursting to express itself in action. Those who are at the mercy of impulse—who lack self-control—suffer a moral deficiency: The ability to control impulse is the base of will and character. By the same token, the root of altruism lies in empathy, the ability to read emotions in others; lacking a sense of another’s need or despair, there is no caring. And if there are any two moral stances that our times call for, they are precisely these, self-restraint and compassion.

So you can see how very important EQ is. Understanding our emotions and expressing them appropriately is no simple matter. In addition, empathy is at the core of creating safety in our relationships. It is that impulse of emotion that we need to understand in order to grow. That is no small challenge because the time between emotion, impulse and action is a fraction of a second! Often, we are reacting to people and situations based upon perceptions that may or may not be accurate.

Roger Birkman, who developed the Birkman Method assessment, understands that EQ is challenging to grow in because most of us live life based upon our own perceptions of ourselves and others that can often be wrong. He says this,

Individuals naturally have selective perceptions about the way they see themselves and others…We each tend to approach tasks with our own bias ‐ the window through which we see the world. When we perform our assigned jobs, naturally we see things our way and tend to find other groupsʹ ideas different and strange – even wrong or threatening. Because we view the world through our own filters, often we base our beliefs and subsequent actions on wrong perceptions. These understandable but inaccurate expectations can lead us to behave in ways that cause problems for ourselves and for other people.

Below are some of those perceptions that bias our judgement:

Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ

By Daniel Goleman

• I'm normal, it's other people who have a problem.

• Most people feel the way I do.

• The best way to do something is my way.

• The way someone acts is the way they want to be treated by others.

• There is an ideal personality style------mine!

Given these biases, you can see why we often fail to slow down. When we don’t, we either run over others or miss them altogether. Slowing down enables us to push against our natural inclination to view the world through our narrow perspective and consider our limitations and the perceptions of others.

Scripture is replete with encouragement to slow down and not get hijacked in the moment. In Ephesians 5:15, Paul says, “Pay attention to how you live, not as unwise but as wise.” Additionally, throughout the New Testament, Jesus uses the word, Behold, over and over to get our attention.

In our next blog, we will look at the 12 competencies that EQ has found that can enable us to slow down. If we combine these skills with a secure relationship with God through his self-giving love and grace, we have the potential to see significant change in ourselves and in our relationships and become more proficient at the skills listed on the tree above.

Copyright © 2018 Timothy S. Lane