Keeping Your Focus

Where do we begin to work ourselves out of the maze of frenetic, chaotic, directionless church life? It begins by letting Scripture shape the way we think about what a leader does. We need a clear job description. Without one, busyness can cause leaders to lose their focus on people. It is amazing how quickly this can happen in the midst of real church life.

There are three primary passages that provide a clear sense of what church leaders are to do: I Peter 5:1-4, Ephesians 4:11-13 and Acts 6:1-7. These passages will be our focus over the next three segments.

The first passage is found in I Peter 5:1-4.

Shepherd the Flock

To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder and a witness of Christ’s sufferings who also will share in the glory to be revealed: Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

This passage is unique because it is one of the few passages where elders are commanded to do something other than Acts 20:28. Peter also uses three separate words to refer to the spiritual leaders.

  1. Elders -- the Greek word is presbuteroi. It is where Presbyterians get their name. The word tends to connote someone with age and wisdom who sits in a leadership role. Elders are to be wise and exhibit Christ-like character.
  2. Overseers -- the Greek word is episcopos. This is where Episcopalians get their name. This word literally means “oversight.” The word connotes exactly what it says. Leaders give oversight to the entire church. They do not micro-manage but they are responsible to see that things are done.
  3. Shepherd -- the Greek word is poimen. This word literally means shepherd.

This third word is used as a command. The Elders/Overseers are to shepherd the flock. These verses are clarifying because it reminds the Elder of his first priority. It is not buildings, finances, policy, or making decisions. It may include those things, but ultimately shepherds focus on the sheep. The priority of the elder/overseer is to care for people.

 

Copyright © 2013 Tim Lane. All rights reserved.

Comment

Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President and Founder of the Institute for Pastoral Care (a non-profit that helps equip churches to care for their people) and Tim Lane & Associates (a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA). He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at a counseling organization  in Philadelphia, PA. Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches. For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.

Real Life in the Local Church

I remember going to my first amusement park when I was 10. We went to Six Flags over Georgia. It was a harrowing experience. The confusion began with actually finding it and locating a parking spot! This was long before the days of Google Maps and smartphones. From there, it was continued confusion mixed with both fear and fun.

Once through the gate, an immediate sense of being lost overcame us and we had no idea where to begin. So we did what came natural. We started walking and reacting to what was in front of us. “Here is an interesting ride, let’s do that.” Then we would wait in line for 30 minutes for a ride that was over in 2. We did that all day and when it was over, we were exhausted. We were more impressed with the fact that we made it through the day than with the rides.

For pastors and leaders, church life can be like that; a lot of frenetic activity with no real agenda and direction.

Take a roller-coaster ride through basic church life: buildings, budgets, crises, staff conflict, growing pains, disgruntled members, besetting sins and providing care, sermons, meetings…meetings…..meetings…..and more meetings….fatigue, excitement about lives changed, another sermon to preach….more meetings…personal struggles, various ministries and programs to staff and events to plan, desperate need of volunteers, difficult people! Life in a normal church can feel like an amusement park---lots of activity, people, distractions and the constant potential for getting lost in the din of activity. You are either following the crowd or responding to the urgent.

The demands of pastoral ministry are precisely what blur the focus of what is most important for pastors and leaders in the church. Church leaders often become managers of the busyness. They turn into a board of directors who set policy and often micro-manage the activity but lose sight of ministry to people.

In his best-selling book, Good to Great, Jim Collins makes an astute observation that maps very well onto church life. The book is about what makes a company great and not just good. One thing the team of researchers observed is distinguishing between a hedgehog concept and a fox concept. Hedgehogs focus on one thing, while foxes focus on many. Companies that acted like hedgehogs and not foxes were the ones that went from good to great.

Those who built the good-to-great companies were, to one degree or another, hedgehogs. They used their hedgehog nature to drive toward what we came to call the Hedgehog Concept for their companies. Those who led the comparison companies tended to be foxes, never gaining the clarifying advantage of a Hedgehog Concept, being instead scattered, diffused, and inconsistent.

I think the same can be said of churches and church leaders. Because church life can be so frenetic and scattered, unless you have a clear biblical vision of what is most important for church and church leadership, you will default to acting like a fox. Thankfully, Scripture gives us a clear vision and mandate for what is of utmost importance for church life and church leadership.

Over the next several posts, we will be honing a biblical philosophy of ministry, rooted in Scripture that can guide leaders to focus on the important over the urgent; to be hedgehogs and not foxes.

 

 

Copyright © 2013 Tim Lane. All rights reserved.

2 Comments

Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President and Founder of the Institute for Pastoral Care (a non-profit that helps equip churches to care for their people) and Tim Lane & Associates (a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA). He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at a counseling organization  in Philadelphia, PA. Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches. For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.

Steps to Rebuild a Marriage

 Every marriage is flawed and susceptible to temptations. Every marriage has strengths and weaknesses. Every marriage needs to improve. While this series has focused on infidelity, all couples can benefit from these areas of growth in grace.

Each Spouse Can Work to Make the Marriage Better

Even though an affair is a devastating trial, it can be used by God to redeem a marriage and move it to a place that is far better than either partner imagined. An affair can reveal the small fissures that were there but were never addressed. Issues of communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, finances, children, common interests, and expectations are now on the table in ways that they were not prior to the affair.

The problems in the marriage did not cause the affair and this in no way justifies the adultery. Yet it can still be a place where both people grow. Both can admit their own failures, sins and weaknesses and make new commitments to the marriage. This happens more effectively when the spouse who has committed adultery is honest and open about what they have done and clearly states their spouse was not the cause of the affair.

It is Imperative to Get Beneath the Surface

For the person who has committed adultery, he or she must begin to gain clarity on why they did what they did. In Luke 6:43-45, Jesus says that all behavior grows out of our hearts. James 1:13 says the same thing. We sin, not primarily because of our circumstances but because we are dragged away by our own desires. What Jesus and James mean is that all sin begins inside of us - not outside of us. It is important to begin to understand the motivations that drove the person to commit adultery. If they don’t tackle sin at this level, they will not deal with the real problem nor will they go deep enough with their repentance. They may also be more susceptible to another affair.

Trust Must be Re-built Over Time

It is hard to conceive of anything more devastating to a marriage than an affair. An affair does not end the marriage because a marriage can only be dissolved through divorce. However, something very personal and substantial has been treated carelessly. It is a breach in the relationship and the fallout for both people is devastating. For the spouse who was unfaithful, trust must be re-built over time through a consistent lifestyle of transparency and humility. While confession is an important first step, that does not immediately reinstate trust. Trust takes time.

Forgiveness Must be Practiced as a Lifestyle

For the person who has been betrayed, this will be where the war is waged. While they may grant initial forgiveness, practicing forgiveness on a daily, moment-by-moment basis will be critical. It will be tempting for the spouse who has been sinned against to become bitter and resentful if they are not guided to continually practice forgiveness. Since the unfaithful spouse must build trust; the spouse who was betrayed must practice forgiveness. Both of these can only be done by the empowering work of the Spirit.

Finally, remember every couple is unique. Take the time to get to know them and make a commitment to be there for the long haul. You will be glad you did.

 

1 Comment

Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President and Founder of the Institute for Pastoral Care (a non-profit that helps equip churches to care for their people) and Tim Lane & Associates (a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA). He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at a counseling organization  in Philadelphia, PA. Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches. For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.

Immediate Actions To End An Affair

The Importance of Getting Wise Counsel

Start by encouraging the couple for seeking help and explain why this step is so important. Any struggle with sin benefits from outside accountability. The writer of Hebrews in 3:12-13 and 10:24-25 encourages us to seek help. In situations like adultery, this is critical. Both husband and wife need someone who is wise and mature in their faith to walk with them through the initial and longer term issues that are a part of the affair.

Begin by Giving Thanks to God for His Forgiving Grace

Help the couple know how to pray. The spouse who has committed adultery needs to remember that their sin cannot trump God’s grace if they are sincerely sorry for what they have done and have genuinely begun the process of repentance. The person who has been betrayed must believe that the grace of God is powerful enough to enable them to begin the process of forgiving. The battle of the betrayer to stop the affair will be equal to the battle for the one betrayed to forgive. Both spouses need God’s enabling grace to move in a new direction.

Cut Off the Relationship Right Away

Most resources on adultery say that this is one of the most important steps to take if a foundation for reconciliation is going to be built. All communication (phone, email, text messages, social media connections) must be cut off. Any mementos that have an association with the other person need to be discarded. Other than asking for forgiveness, this is the first way that the one who had the affair can display how serious their commitment is to their spouse. It is important to deal radically with sin. See Matthew 5:29-30 and Jesus’ use of hyperbole.

Immediately get a Medical Exam to Determine if There are Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)

If the affair was sexual in any way, this is imperative. A commitment to be examined for STDs is yet another way to express commitment to the marriage. If the married couple has been sexually active while the affair was occurring, it is important for both spouses to seek an examination.

Confess to Your Spouse What You Have Done

In conjunction with severing the relationship with the other person, the spouse who has committed adultery must confess what he or she has done. This needs to be done without excuses or justification. Even if the marriage needs work, it is unhelpful and unwise to bring up broader issues in this context of confession. If so, it will appear to the spouse who has been betrayed that they somehow are responsible for the affair. When making a confession, it is important to own the sin, tell the spouse that it was wrong and ask them for forgiveness.

2 Comments

Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President and Founder of the Institute for Pastoral Care (a non-profit that helps equip churches to care for their people) and Tim Lane & Associates (a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA). He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at a counseling organization  in Philadelphia, PA. Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches. For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.

Adultery: Who Do You Help?

Who do you help once a couple confides in you about an affair? You want to be careful not to “pick sides.” Of course you are concerned about the person who has been betrayed, but do you have any biblical foundation to care for the one who committed adultery? Let’s look at the character of God and see how he responds to both.

God has Been Betrayed and Understands

Isaiah 54:5--Who God Is

For your Maker is your husband. The LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

Ezekiel 16:32--What Israel, His bride, did

You adulterous wife! You prefer strangers to your own husband!

For the spouse who has been betrayed, they have experienced the agony of rejection. Rejection is a prominent theme throughout the Bible and it is God who is rejected by his people again and again. No one in the entire universe knows rejection quite like God. Many times God compares his people to wayward prostitutes who give themselves to strange lovers (Ezekiel 16:30-34). Despite their unfaithfulness, God promises “your Maker is your husband, the Lord of Hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth he is called.” (Isaiah 54:5)  

Hundreds of years later, Jesus, in the most agonizing moment of his life, cried out as he hung on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34). Being rejected by the Father and the Spirit was more painful than the confrontations, the beatings, and the actual crucifixion. As he was crucified, Jesus was our representative, taking the brunt of our sin on himself. He was getting what we deserved: condemnation and utter separation from God. His perfect life and sacrificial death paid the penalty for our sins. He suffered rejection, so we might escape the penalty for our sins and be accepted by God.

God Draws Near to the Unfaithful and Brings Hope

Isaiah 49:14-16--Israel’s Cry

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”

God’s Reply

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

As you work with the spouse who has committed adultery, remember that Jesus came for unfaithful people, too. He came to serve sinners and sufferers and make them both into saints. For the person who betrayed their spouse, Jesus’ death and resurrection bring hope to them.  Jesus’ death guarantees that forgiveness is available for them when they come to him in genuine sorrow and repentance. Jesus’ resurrection means that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is theirs for the asking.  His resurrection power is able to change them over time into a faithful, loving spouse.

Real Life

I remember a Christian husband meeting with me to tell me he had been having an affair. The first words out of his mouth were, “I don’t know why I came to talk to you, a pastor, about what I have done, but here I am.” He then told me about the affair. I had the privilege to say this to him. “You have come to the right place. This is why Jesus came to live, die and be raised. You and I are both in need of God’s grace. This is exactly why Jesus came to form a people called the church, his bride. You and I both need a family where we can find encouragement and strength to change.”

Nothing is more rewarding that the opportunity to extend grace to both spouses and begin the process of change that will be needed if the marriage survives and grows stronger.

Comment

Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President and Founder of the Institute for Pastoral Care (a non-profit that helps equip churches to care for their people) and Tim Lane & Associates (a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA). He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at a counseling organization  in Philadelphia, PA. Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches. For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.