Steps to Rebuild a Marriage

 Every marriage is flawed and susceptible to temptations. Every marriage has strengths and weaknesses. Every marriage needs to improve. While this series has focused on infidelity, all couples can benefit from these areas of growth in grace.

Each Spouse Can Work to Make the Marriage Better

Even though an affair is a devastating trial, it can be used by God to redeem a marriage and move it to a place that is far better than either partner imagined. An affair can reveal the small fissures that were there but were never addressed. Issues of communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, finances, children, common interests, and expectations are now on the table in ways that they were not prior to the affair.

The problems in the marriage did not cause the affair and this in no way justifies the adultery. Yet it can still be a place where both people grow. Both can admit their own failures, sins and weaknesses and make new commitments to the marriage. This happens more effectively when the spouse who has committed adultery is honest and open about what they have done and clearly states their spouse was not the cause of the affair.

It is Imperative to Get Beneath the Surface

For the person who has committed adultery, he or she must begin to gain clarity on why they did what they did. In Luke 6:43-45, Jesus says that all behavior grows out of our hearts. James 1:13 says the same thing. We sin, not primarily because of our circumstances but because we are dragged away by our own desires. What Jesus and James mean is that all sin begins inside of us - not outside of us. It is important to begin to understand the motivations that drove the person to commit adultery. If they don’t tackle sin at this level, they will not deal with the real problem nor will they go deep enough with their repentance. They may also be more susceptible to another affair.

Trust Must be Re-built Over Time

It is hard to conceive of anything more devastating to a marriage than an affair. An affair does not end the marriage because a marriage can only be dissolved through divorce. However, something very personal and substantial has been treated carelessly. It is a breach in the relationship and the fallout for both people is devastating. For the spouse who was unfaithful, trust must be re-built over time through a consistent lifestyle of transparency and humility. While confession is an important first step, that does not immediately reinstate trust. Trust takes time.

Forgiveness Must be Practiced as a Lifestyle

For the person who has been betrayed, this will be where the war is waged. While they may grant initial forgiveness, practicing forgiveness on a daily, moment-by-moment basis will be critical. It will be tempting for the spouse who has been sinned against to become bitter and resentful if they are not guided to continually practice forgiveness. Since the unfaithful spouse must build trust; the spouse who was betrayed must practice forgiveness. Both of these can only be done by the empowering work of the Spirit.

Finally, remember every couple is unique. Take the time to get to know them and make a commitment to be there for the long haul. You will be glad you did.

Immediate Actions To End An Affair

The Importance of Getting Wise Counsel

Start by encouraging the couple for seeking help and explain why this step is so important. Any struggle with sin benefits from outside accountability. The writer of Hebrews in 3:12-13 and 10:24-25 encourages us to seek help. In situations like adultery, this is critical. Both husband and wife need someone who is wise and mature in their faith to walk with them through the initial and longer term issues that are a part of the affair.

Begin by Giving Thanks to God for His Forgiving Grace

Help the couple know how to pray. The spouse who has committed adultery needs to remember that their sin cannot trump God’s grace if they are sincerely sorry for what they have done and have genuinely begun the process of repentance. The person who has been betrayed must believe that the grace of God is powerful enough to enable them to begin the process of forgiving. The battle of the betrayer to stop the affair will be equal to the battle for the one betrayed to forgive. Both spouses need God’s enabling grace to move in a new direction.

Cut Off the Relationship Right Away

Most resources on adultery say that this is one of the most important steps to take if a foundation for reconciliation is going to be built. All communication (phone, email, text messages, social media connections) must be cut off. Any mementos that have an association with the other person need to be discarded. Other than asking for forgiveness, this is the first way that the one who had the affair can display how serious their commitment is to their spouse. It is important to deal radically with sin. See Matthew 5:29-30 and Jesus’ use of hyperbole.

Immediately get a Medical Exam to Determine if There are Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)

If the affair was sexual in any way, this is imperative. A commitment to be examined for STDs is yet another way to express commitment to the marriage. If the married couple has been sexually active while the affair was occurring, it is important for both spouses to seek an examination.

Confess to Your Spouse What You Have Done

In conjunction with severing the relationship with the other person, the spouse who has committed adultery must confess what he or she has done. This needs to be done without excuses or justification. Even if the marriage needs work, it is unhelpful and unwise to bring up broader issues in this context of confession. If so, it will appear to the spouse who has been betrayed that they somehow are responsible for the affair. When making a confession, it is important to own the sin, tell the spouse that it was wrong and ask them for forgiveness.

Adultery: Who Do You Help?

Who do you help once a couple confides in you about an affair? You want to be careful not to “pick sides.” Of course you are concerned about the person who has been betrayed, but do you have any biblical foundation to care for the one who committed adultery? Let’s look at the character of God and see how he responds to both.

God has Been Betrayed and Understands

Isaiah 54:5--Who God Is

For your Maker is your husband. The LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

Ezekiel 16:32--What Israel, His bride, did

You adulterous wife! You prefer strangers to your own husband!

For the spouse who has been betrayed, they have experienced the agony of rejection. Rejection is a prominent theme throughout the Bible and it is God who is rejected by his people again and again. No one in the entire universe knows rejection quite like God. Many times God compares his people to wayward prostitutes who give themselves to strange lovers (Ezekiel 16:30-34). Despite their unfaithfulness, God promises “your Maker is your husband, the Lord of Hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth he is called.” (Isaiah 54:5)  

Hundreds of years later, Jesus, in the most agonizing moment of his life, cried out as he hung on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34). Being rejected by the Father and the Spirit was more painful than the confrontations, the beatings, and the actual crucifixion. As he was crucified, Jesus was our representative, taking the brunt of our sin on himself. He was getting what we deserved: condemnation and utter separation from God. His perfect life and sacrificial death paid the penalty for our sins. He suffered rejection, so we might escape the penalty for our sins and be accepted by God.

God Draws Near to the Unfaithful and Brings Hope

Isaiah 49:14-16--Israel’s Cry

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”

God’s Reply

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

As you work with the spouse who has committed adultery, remember that Jesus came for unfaithful people, too. He came to serve sinners and sufferers and make them both into saints. For the person who betrayed their spouse, Jesus’ death and resurrection bring hope to them.  Jesus’ death guarantees that forgiveness is available for them when they come to him in genuine sorrow and repentance. Jesus’ resurrection means that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is theirs for the asking.  His resurrection power is able to change them over time into a faithful, loving spouse.

Real Life

I remember a Christian husband meeting with me to tell me he had been having an affair. The first words out of his mouth were, “I don’t know why I came to talk to you, a pastor, about what I have done, but here I am.” He then told me about the affair. I had the privilege to say this to him. “You have come to the right place. This is why Jesus came to live, die and be raised. You and I are both in need of God’s grace. This is exactly why Jesus came to form a people called the church, his bride. You and I both need a family where we can find encouragement and strength to change.”

Nothing is more rewarding that the opportunity to extend grace to both spouses and begin the process of change that will be needed if the marriage survives and grows stronger.

Adultery: Divorce or Rebuild?

Once the affair has come to light, both spouses have a choice to make. Often, two dead end options are chosen that are unwise and harmful.

• The couple decides to stay in the marriage but they never discuss what happened.
• The couple chooses to stay in the marriage while the infidelity continues.

Be careful to avoid harsh judgment of the spouse who has been betrayed and wants to stay in the marriage. There may be a number of understandable reasons. Some good, some bad and some purely pragmatic. The reasons may include financial security, concern for the children, avoidance of shame, or a genuine love for their spouse. 

What are two biblical options?

• End the Marriage. Yes, this is a godly, biblical option but is not to be taken lightly. Scripture clearly teaches that adultery is valid grounds for the betrayed spouse to pursue divorce (Matthew 19:8-9).
• Stay and Work on the Marriage. This option is advocated by both Christian and non-Christian therapists. This is a completely valid option and one that ought to be considered.

Don’t Make a Decision too Quickly in a Volatile Emotional Moment.

Remember, both options are going to require work. Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is not easy, but neither is dissolving one, particularly if there are children involved. Regardless of the choice to leave or stay, it is wise to discourage a quick decision when emotions are running high. You have the opportunity to remain the trusted advisor who walks through both the initial shock and wise next steps. 

Why Bother Rebuilding?

When a couple faces the serious consequences of an affair, it is tempting to think that ending quickly is the best solution. It’s understandable for them to feel this way, but before they take decisive action, help them consider why they might want to work at rebuilding.

First, throughout the Bible, God models moving toward and not away from those who have acted as his enemies. The Apostle Paul explains it this way, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).  This theme of reconciliation runs through the whole Bible. God sent his Son to die so that our broken relationships could be restored. He wants us to “if possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18).

Jesus affirms this in his teaching on divorce.  He points out that divorce was never a command, but only a concession due to sin (Matthew 19:1-9). His discussion of divorce shows how seriously God views the commitment a couple makes when they marry. Rebuilding a marriage has the potential to reflect the forgiving and reconciling character of God. 

A second reason to make every effort to help the couple rebuild their marriage has to do with the future quality of the relationship. Even those not writing from a Christian worldview say that while the memory of the unfaithfulness never goes away, it often becomes a catalyst for the marriage to become more honest and loving. It becomes a “wake up call” of sorts. This is not automatic and it will not be easy. Both spouses need a lot of strengthening grace from Christ to move towards one another in this way.

Typical Responses to an Affair

In her book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Janis Abrahms Spring provides some helpful case wisdom regarding the experience of the betrayed and betraying spouse, as well as the stereotypical differences between men and women (Chapters 1-2). The importance for the care-giver at this point is to incarnate the grace of Christ to both, not just one. Notice, as well, how much work it takes to understand the complexity of each situation where infidelity is present. Abrahms does a good job of detailing responses to an affair by both parties. It is clear that this is the result of many years of experience.

Typical Responses of the Betrayed Spouse: Buried in an Avalanche of Losses.

• Heightened Sense of Anxiety: significant physiological responses like that of severe trauma.
• Loss of Identity: the affair forces you to re-define yourself in a fundamental way. Who am I if you and the marriage are not what I thought?
• Loss of Sense of Specialness: I thought I meant something to you.
• Shame: an initial response to the affair is to do anything to keep your spouse in order to avoid the embarrassment.
• Loss of Faith in God: where is God in this? I feel forsaken.
• Loss of Connection with Others: Who can I confide in?
• Loss of Sense of Purpose: this can even lead to suicidal thoughts.
• Shock and Disbelief: “When I first uncovered your secret, I stopped feeling special to you. But on a deeper level, I lost trust in the world and in myself.”

Typical Responses of the Betraying Spouse

• Relief: It is out in the open. I don’t have to live a lie anymore.
• Impatience: I have left my lover and told you everything. What else do you want from me?
• Chronic Anxiety: As long as I keep busy, I’ll be okay.
• Minimizing Guilt: once revealed, in the early stages, they often tend to justify the affair. The betrayed is made to feel guilty for not being committed to the marriage.
• Grieving Loss of the Affair: The other person made me feel so special.
• Guilt over Children: What will the kids think of me?
• Isolation, Hopelessness, Paralysis: See the marriage as hopeless and just a prison to endure.
• Shame: I feel like such a sleaze for doing this.

Typical Differences between Men and Women who are Betrayed

• Women try to preserve, men run
• Women get depressed, men get angry
• Women feel inadequate as companions, men as lovers
• Women Obsess, men distrust themselves

Typical Differences between Men and Women who are Unfaithful

• Women seek soul mates, men seek playmates
• Women justify if for love, men if not for love. I loved him. I didn’t love her.
• Women anguish over affairs (My affair has complicated my life). Men enjoy them (My affair has given me life.)

Of course, while these lists are helpful, you must be careful not to stereo-type men and women or those who betray or are betrayed by their spouse. It is imperative to make every effort to understand the unique nature, dynamic and impact of the affair on the couple and each individual. You are building a bridge that will enable you to cross over into wise ministry.