Adultery: Who Do You Help?

Who do you help once a couple confides in you about an affair? You want to be careful not to “pick sides.” Of course you are concerned about the person who has been betrayed, but do you have any biblical foundation to care for the one who committed adultery? Let’s look at the character of God and see how he responds to both.

God has Been Betrayed and Understands

Isaiah 54:5--Who God Is

For your Maker is your husband. The LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

Ezekiel 16:32--What Israel, His bride, did

You adulterous wife! You prefer strangers to your own husband!

For the spouse who has been betrayed, they have experienced the agony of rejection. Rejection is a prominent theme throughout the Bible and it is God who is rejected by his people again and again. No one in the entire universe knows rejection quite like God. Many times God compares his people to wayward prostitutes who give themselves to strange lovers (Ezekiel 16:30-34). Despite their unfaithfulness, God promises “your Maker is your husband, the Lord of Hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth he is called.” (Isaiah 54:5)  

Hundreds of years later, Jesus, in the most agonizing moment of his life, cried out as he hung on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34). Being rejected by the Father and the Spirit was more painful than the confrontations, the beatings, and the actual crucifixion. As he was crucified, Jesus was our representative, taking the brunt of our sin on himself. He was getting what we deserved: condemnation and utter separation from God. His perfect life and sacrificial death paid the penalty for our sins. He suffered rejection, so we might escape the penalty for our sins and be accepted by God.

God Draws Near to the Unfaithful and Brings Hope

Isaiah 49:14-16--Israel’s Cry

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”

God’s Reply

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

As you work with the spouse who has committed adultery, remember that Jesus came for unfaithful people, too. He came to serve sinners and sufferers and make them both into saints. For the person who betrayed their spouse, Jesus’ death and resurrection bring hope to them.  Jesus’ death guarantees that forgiveness is available for them when they come to him in genuine sorrow and repentance. Jesus’ resurrection means that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is theirs for the asking.  His resurrection power is able to change them over time into a faithful, loving spouse.

Real Life

I remember a Christian husband meeting with me to tell me he had been having an affair. The first words out of his mouth were, “I don’t know why I came to talk to you, a pastor, about what I have done, but here I am.” He then told me about the affair. I had the privilege to say this to him. “You have come to the right place. This is why Jesus came to live, die and be raised. You and I are both in need of God’s grace. This is exactly why Jesus came to form a people called the church, his bride. You and I both need a family where we can find encouragement and strength to change.”

Nothing is more rewarding that the opportunity to extend grace to both spouses and begin the process of change that will be needed if the marriage survives and grows stronger.

Typical Responses to an Affair

In her book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Janis Abrahms Spring provides some helpful case wisdom regarding the experience of the betrayed and betraying spouse, as well as the stereotypical differences between men and women (Chapters 1-2). The importance for the care-giver at this point is to incarnate the grace of Christ to both, not just one. Notice, as well, how much work it takes to understand the complexity of each situation where infidelity is present. Abrahms does a good job of detailing responses to an affair by both parties. It is clear that this is the result of many years of experience.

Typical Responses of the Betrayed Spouse: Buried in an Avalanche of Losses.

• Heightened Sense of Anxiety: significant physiological responses like that of severe trauma.
• Loss of Identity: the affair forces you to re-define yourself in a fundamental way. Who am I if you and the marriage are not what I thought?
• Loss of Sense of Specialness: I thought I meant something to you.
• Shame: an initial response to the affair is to do anything to keep your spouse in order to avoid the embarrassment.
• Loss of Faith in God: where is God in this? I feel forsaken.
• Loss of Connection with Others: Who can I confide in?
• Loss of Sense of Purpose: this can even lead to suicidal thoughts.
• Shock and Disbelief: “When I first uncovered your secret, I stopped feeling special to you. But on a deeper level, I lost trust in the world and in myself.”

Typical Responses of the Betraying Spouse

• Relief: It is out in the open. I don’t have to live a lie anymore.
• Impatience: I have left my lover and told you everything. What else do you want from me?
• Chronic Anxiety: As long as I keep busy, I’ll be okay.
• Minimizing Guilt: once revealed, in the early stages, they often tend to justify the affair. The betrayed is made to feel guilty for not being committed to the marriage.
• Grieving Loss of the Affair: The other person made me feel so special.
• Guilt over Children: What will the kids think of me?
• Isolation, Hopelessness, Paralysis: See the marriage as hopeless and just a prison to endure.
• Shame: I feel like such a sleaze for doing this.

Typical Differences between Men and Women who are Betrayed

• Women try to preserve, men run
• Women get depressed, men get angry
• Women feel inadequate as companions, men as lovers
• Women Obsess, men distrust themselves

Typical Differences between Men and Women who are Unfaithful

• Women seek soul mates, men seek playmates
• Women justify if for love, men if not for love. I loved him. I didn’t love her.
• Women anguish over affairs (My affair has complicated my life). Men enjoy them (My affair has given me life.)

Of course, while these lists are helpful, you must be careful not to stereo-type men and women or those who betray or are betrayed by their spouse. It is imperative to make every effort to understand the unique nature, dynamic and impact of the affair on the couple and each individual. You are building a bridge that will enable you to cross over into wise ministry.

Are All Affairs Alike

As you care for couples where infidelity has occurred, it is important to take the first step and encourage them for seeking help. I will develop this more fully in future posts, but this is exactly why the church exists and why Jesus came! It is also important to realize that not all affairs are alike. Taking the time to determine the nature of the affair will inform your ongoing care for the couple.

Here are a few types of affairs likely happening in your congregation as we speak:

• The one night stand with a stranger: this type of infidelity does not tend to be built on much relational capital. It could be motivated by many things such as pleasure, excitement, or power. Sometimes it is driven by anger and a person will have an affair to hurt their spouse. The obvious concern is how often the person has engaged in this type of infidelity.

• Multiple one night stands with strangers (philandering): this type of an affair has a habitual, possibly life-dominating nature that will be harder to address than the isolated one night stand.

• The one night stand with a friend: this type of infidelity tends to develop within the context of a relationship. Even if it was a onetime event, there could be more going on than infidelity with a stranger. Also, if the friend knows both spouses, the relational fall out will be significant. The spouse who has been cheated on will always struggle to trust his or her spouse around that person or other friends.

• The emotional affair: this type of unfaithfulness stops short of any physical intimacy, but it has all the other aspects of an affair. In essence, the person begins to think about being in this person’s company more than they do their spouse’s. This type of an affair often goes unnoticed because no sexual intimacy exists. This can also occur between people of the same sex.

• The Cyberspace Affair: this is a relatively new kind of affair. There are two ways this affair can progress. It may start simply as a personal interaction through facebook. It may also start with impersonal online pornography which moves to a more personal interaction. It can ultimately move to an arranged meeting and ultimately physical involvement. This kind of affair is on the rise as internet pornography engulfs the wired world.

• The long term affair/second spouse: this is an affair where someone stays in their marriage for certain reasons (family, children, reputation), but is more committed to their extra partner who functions more like a lover/companion while the spouse functions more like a father/mother. These kinds of affairs can thrive for a long time and are difficult to end.

If the affair has gone on for a long period of time (several months) and the emotional/relational side has developed, it will be more challenging. It may take much longer to deal with the implications and consequences on the marriage. The longer someone is in an affair, the more deluded they are about needing the other partner in their lives.

You can see that there are many variations on a theme. Each affair has unique nuances that you don’t want to miss. Being a patient, good listener will serve you and the couple well as you embody the grace of Christ in these early stages of care.