A Transformed Community

In the post “What Are You Seeking to Produce,” I stated that individual growth was a goal in shepherding/equipping. In addition to this, the second goal is a transformed community.

Corporate Maturity

You can’t think of the Christian life in purely individualistic terms. We are part of a new family and that family is to nurture one another as we all grow up into the likeness of our elder brother, Jesus. Hebrews states explicitly that this kind of growth happens in the context of redemptive, mutually edifying friendships.

Hebrews 3:12-13

12 See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Hebrews 10:24-25

24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

It is important to stress that this does not happen automatically, nor without a lot of work, and sometimes it can possibly not happen at all.

One final passage that provides a picture of life in the body of Christ is Colossians 3:12-17:

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Here are a few practical questions for reflection:

• Do I have friends like this in my life?
•  Am I that kind of friend?
• Is the church I am part of functioning like this?
• Does our pastoral staff and leadership resemble this kind of redemptive, mutually-edifying friendship?
• How can I grow in this way over the coming year?

In Ephesians 4:15-16, the apostle Paul says that when we are living in these kinds of relationships, we will all grow in maturity.

Copyright © 2013 Tim Lane. All rights reserved.

Immediate Actions To End An Affair

The Importance of Getting Wise Counsel

Start by encouraging the couple for seeking help and explain why this step is so important. Any struggle with sin benefits from outside accountability. The writer of Hebrews in 3:12-13 and 10:24-25 encourages us to seek help. In situations like adultery, this is critical. Both husband and wife need someone who is wise and mature in their faith to walk with them through the initial and longer term issues that are a part of the affair.

Begin by Giving Thanks to God for His Forgiving Grace

Help the couple know how to pray. The spouse who has committed adultery needs to remember that their sin cannot trump God’s grace if they are sincerely sorry for what they have done and have genuinely begun the process of repentance. The person who has been betrayed must believe that the grace of God is powerful enough to enable them to begin the process of forgiving. The battle of the betrayer to stop the affair will be equal to the battle for the one betrayed to forgive. Both spouses need God’s enabling grace to move in a new direction.

Cut Off the Relationship Right Away

Most resources on adultery say that this is one of the most important steps to take if a foundation for reconciliation is going to be built. All communication (phone, email, text messages, social media connections) must be cut off. Any mementos that have an association with the other person need to be discarded. Other than asking for forgiveness, this is the first way that the one who had the affair can display how serious their commitment is to their spouse. It is important to deal radically with sin. See Matthew 5:29-30 and Jesus’ use of hyperbole.

Immediately get a Medical Exam to Determine if There are Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)

If the affair was sexual in any way, this is imperative. A commitment to be examined for STDs is yet another way to express commitment to the marriage. If the married couple has been sexually active while the affair was occurring, it is important for both spouses to seek an examination.

Confess to Your Spouse What You Have Done

In conjunction with severing the relationship with the other person, the spouse who has committed adultery must confess what he or she has done. This needs to be done without excuses or justification. Even if the marriage needs work, it is unhelpful and unwise to bring up broader issues in this context of confession. If so, it will appear to the spouse who has been betrayed that they somehow are responsible for the affair. When making a confession, it is important to own the sin, tell the spouse that it was wrong and ask them for forgiveness.