What Causes Us To Worry?

Everyone worries. Some of us more than others. Reports show that nearly 20% of people living in the US struggle with anxiety. That means that approximately 65 million people experience worry that impacts their daily lives and relationships in profound ways.

In 2008, American physicians wrote more than 50 million prescriptions for specifically anti-anxiety medications and more than 150 million for antidepressants, many of which were used for anxiety-related conditions.

Causes for Worry

So why do so many of us struggle with anxiety? That question has been at the center of much debate. The pendulum has swung from one extreme to the other throughout history. Some have thought that worry is purely a physiological issue while others have concluded that it is purely spiritual. Alan Horwitz states this in his book, Anxiety: A Short History:

Between the fourth and sixteenth centuries, religious, magical, and folkloric views of anxiety and other mental conditions largely displaced empirically-based Hippocratic and Galenic conceptions in Western societies. While the latter beliefs persisted within medicine through the medieval period, medical knowledge itself was overridden by ecclesiastical structures. Over the course of the seventeenth century, however, anxiety was once again increasingly likely to be viewed within a medical, as opposed to spiritual, framework. Within medicine, the influences of humoral pathology, which had dominated medical thinking since Hippocratic times, gradually waned. By the end of the eighteenth century, while humoral conceptions remained popular theories of temperaments in the general culture, medicine preferred physiological accounts to explain how mental disturbances resulted from malfunctioning nervous systems (p. 54).

While Horowitz’s view of the church may be oversimplified, we still must ask: what causes anxiety? Does the Bible provide categories that enable us to avoid the swinging pendulum between faith and science? I believe it does.

The historic Christian categories of World, Flesh and Devil are entirely capable of providing a robust understanding of people and their problems, allowing us to avoid simplistic reductionism on either end of the spectrum. We don’t have to engage in either/or thinking and conclude that anxiety is either purely physiological or only spiritual. This means that we can learn from the best insights that modern science has to offer along with the rich truths of Scripture which remind us that God is able to meet us in our struggles with worry.

Below is a simple diagram that captures the many shaping influences that may be relevant to any particular person’s struggle with worry.

World

The category of “world” is everything outside of the heart. These are the external shaping influences that we experience as human beings made in God’s image. It is the person’s situation; their context. To minimize the impact someone’s circumstances has on a person is to be sub-biblical. The God of Scripture takes our situation seriously. This is a place where we can learn most from modern scientific research:

• Brain: we all have brains that determine our personalities and pre-dispose us to a host of struggles. All of us are constitutionally wired differently. Our brains are also impacted by the fall of humanity. We are all broken at some level and exhibit various mental strengths and frailties.
• Body: we have bodies that have strengths and weaknesses. They too are broken in different ways and impact how we respond to difficulty.
• Event and Relational History: we have good and bad things that have happened to us along with people who have blessed us or hurt us.
• Political/Cultural/Socio-economic Context: we exist in a context that impacts the degree to which we may struggle with worry.
• Gender: our gender plays a role in how we struggle with worry.
• Religious Upbringing: the beliefs that shaped us growing up influence our struggle with worry.
• Age: the longer we live, the more grief and loss we experience. This can make us wiser or more prone to anxiety.
• Race/Ethnicity: whether we are the majority or minority culture in a given context will also shape the way we experience anxiety.

This list is not exhaustive. You may be able to think of other external shaping influences. Each one can be nuanced to fit every person who has ever lived. No two people are alike.

While we take all of this seriously, it is important to note something interesting about the struggle with anxiety. While appreciating one’s context, changing one’s context does not guarantee that you will live a worry free life.

Once again, Alan Horwitz states this in his book, Anxiety: A Short History:

Modern developed societies are the safest, healthiest, and most prosperous that have ever existed so we might expect that their citizens would have low levels of anxiousness….
Nevertheless, surveys inform us that the public reports more anxiety disorders now than in the past. These studies indicate that anxiety is the single most common class of mental illness; almost one in five people has had an anxiety disorder during the past year and more than a quarter of the population experienced one at some point in their lives (p. 143).

Certainly there is nothing wrong with changing your circumstances if you are in danger, but situational change does not mean you will be anxiety free. There is a need for more.

Flesh/Heart

This category factors in the reality that we were created by God to worship and trust in him in the midst of our circumstances, no matter what they are. This is where the Bible focuses most of its attention. It does so, not because it is simplistic, but because it offers something that no other theory of change offers; a personal, loving, redeeming God who becomes a human being, lives, dies and is raised from the dead to give us new life, wisdom and power to live in relationship with him! The Bible does not minimize the category of “world” at all. Yet it does call us to depend upon and trust in God in the midst of our joys and sorrows.

Devil

This category is factored into the Biblical worldview because it recognizes that evil is real and personal. While most attention is focused on the other two categories, the Bible does clearly state that we have one who is opposed to God’s people and he seeks to tempt and accuse those who follow Christ. In Ephesians 6:10-20, the apostle Paul gives clear instruction on how to fight the schemes of the Evil One. When this category is improperly over-emphasized, it can lead people to look for demons in every pathology. When it is improperly under-emphasized, it can lead people to miss the real battle that is part and parcel of the Christian life.

Modern psychology and psychiatry attempt to capture the multi-layeredness of people and their problems by talking about the bio/psycho/socio/cultural aspects of causation. The Biblical worldview allows us to take those categories seriously along with painting an even fuller, more nuanced picture. Whether the church has always represented this level of nuance is something to debate, but the Scriptures are clear.

Patience and Compassion

One of the most relevant aspects of understanding these three categories is to fully appreciate the multi-layered nature of anxiety. When we do this, we can understand why some people may struggle more than others. The more layers that are involved, the greater the struggle and the harder it may be to change.

If you struggle with severe anxiety, this can help you calibrate your expectations and not live under a cloud of shame because of your struggle.

If you are someone who is helping someone who struggles deeply, these categories can move you to greater empathy and compassion. They can also help you see that, even in the midst of a struggle with anxiety, the living, redeeming God wants to meet you in your troubles and comfort you and walk with you.

Copyright © 2016 Timothy S. Lane

Are You Stressed Out?

There are three major issues we all face; anger, addiction, and anxiety. We all struggle with irritation and anger. We all deal with worry and anxiety. And we all find places other than God to find comfort when life is hard. When talking about addiction, Gerald Mays, in his book Addiction and Grace, says, “To be alive is to be addicted, and to be alive and addicted is to stand in need of grace.”

I think the same can be said about stress, worry and anxiety. To be alive is to be anxious and to be alive and anxious is to stand in need of grace!

Synonyms for Anxiety

Take a moment and think of all the words that we use to describe the experience of anxiety. Here are a few:

• Fretting
• Discontentment
• Obsessing
• Stressing out
• Feeling angst
• Worrying
• Fear
• Loss of control
• Over-concern
• Panic
• Restlessness
• Insecurity

That’s just a start!

The Experience of Anxiety

What about the experience of anxiety? What words come to mind when you think about when you are worried?

• Heavy burden on your chest or back
• Anger
• Gastrointestinal issues
• Racing thoughts
• Fixated
• Feeling out of control
• Self-focused
• Tunnel vision
• Sickness
• Loss of appetite
• Uncontrollable breathing
• Withdrawn
• Sleeplessness
• Dry mouth
• Melt-down
• Trapped
• Excessive emotions
• Agitated
• Isolated

Here is how two experts describe the experience of anxiety:

Mental and physical bodily functions find in anxiety a meeting place that is unparalleled in other aspects of human life.

– John Nehemiah

Anxiety is often exhibited through disturbances in cardiovascular, gastrointestinal, and/or musculoskeletal systems...anxiety derives from the Indo-Germanic root, ANGH, which means narrowing, constricting, and tightening feelings, usually in the chest or throat. In such cases, people might not be consciously aware of the anxiousness, although it is being expressed through stomach aches, heart palpitations, difficulties in breathing, and the like.

– Allan Horwitz, Anxiety, A Short History

If you are honest, you can identify with these descriptions.

I remember when I was a pastor, my neck would seize up about every six months. The stress of pastoral ministry was exhibiting its presence in muscle spasms. I have also experienced lower back pain and elevated blood pressure during a stressful season, as well as many other physiological signs that are a part of the experience of worry. Because of anxiety’s physiological impact, it can even threaten to shorten our lives!

Can Scripture Comfort the Anxious?

I would like to focus on two short verses as a way of introducing how Scripture begins to speak to the anxious.

Matthew 6:34

Sometimes reading this entire (6:25-34) passage can actually increase your anxiety! It doesn’t seem like Jesus is being very tender in his tone. On several occasions in this short section he commands us not to worry. Let’s focus on just one thing in the last sentence of verse 34.

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

In his brief and simple words, Jesus offers comfort. What is Jesus acknowledging in verse 34? Each day has enough trouble of its own. He is acknowledging that it makes sense to worry. We live in a very troubled world. The longer you live, the more you understand that there are no guarantees. Life is fragile. We all struggle with worry. It is not just a struggle for a small select group. Some may worry more than others, but all of us experience it.

Hebrews 2:17

For this reason, he had to be made like his brothers in every way. In order that he might become a merciful high priest…

Living without worry

By Timothy Lane

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Jesus was made like us in EVERY way. Though he was without sin, he identified with our suffering and much more. Because he became a human being, he understands our struggle. He has experienced more sorrow and stress than anyone, and he promises to be empathetic towards us in our stress and anxiety.

Right Now

Take a moment right now and look over your life; your childhood, teenage years, young adulthood, marriage, family and later adulthood. Take a moment to reflect on these various seasons of your life as you meditate on these two verses. Let these verses inform how you talk to Jesus as you draw near to him and as he comforts you with his grace, power and presence.

Copyright © 2016 Timothy S. Lane

The Soul of Shame

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
Oh my shame, you know I believe it. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

U2 – "I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For"

We all know we need forgiveness. But there is also a deep longing for an existential reality of that forgiveness – to know that we are more than tolerated but welcomed and seen without any hint of not belonging or not measuring up. Is this even possible? Dare we hope that this is true and possible? This problem is called shame.

Christians are quite familiar with passages that provide assurance that when we trust in Christ, “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). We are also familiar with passages that provide ongoing encouragement as we fight sin on a daily basis. I John 1:9 is a trusted friend as we face failure on a daily basis. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins…” In our daily lives, guilt seems to be a topic that is discussed quite a bit. We see it on the news everyday. Someone is convicted of a crime because they were found guilty of wrong-doing. We even talk a great deal about guilt within the context of the church. Glance at any typical liturgy and you will find a “Confession of Sin” element followed by an “Assurance of Pardon.”

But what about shame? What do we do with it? Does the Bible speak to the experience of shame?

Recently, I have been reading The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Tell About Ourselves by Curt Thompson. If you have not read it, you should. It’s a book that doesn’t make you feel ashamed when reading it. That is amazing all by itself. The book begins this way:

From our family at home to the one at church. From the bedroom to the boardroom. From school to work to play. From the art studio to the science and technology lab. It is a primal emotional pigment that colors the images of everything: our bodies, our marriages and our politics; our successes and failures; our friends and enemies, especially the God of the Bible, who may at times feel like both. It starts and (surprisingly) ends wars, only to start them again. It fuels injustice and creates our excuses for doing little if anything about it. It is a featured tool for motivating students, athletes and employees. It enables us to conveniently remain separate from those we disagree with and who make us feel uncomfortable, while keeping to those who will only tell us what we want to hear (Introduction).

Curt Thompson addresses shame from an interesting vantage point. His area of expertise is interpersonal neurobiology. In addition, he is a Christian and wants to understand shame and its cure within the framework of the Christian Gospel. He says this about his intentions:

However, while this book holds shame to be within the context of a grand story, and so takes its place and meaning, within that story’s purpose lie the mechanics of how shame works. Familiarity with those mechanisms, through the lens of interpersonal neurobiology, though now substantiating shames teleology, can open up ways for us to align ourselves with the purpose that God has for a world in which mercy and justice reign, a world teeming with goodness and beauty, and in which joy of true relationship is our destiny (Introduction).

Shame Has a Story to Tell

Before he introduces the interpersonal neurobiological perspective, he helps us see that shame is something that is unique to human beings because we are storytellers. We tell stories to make sense of what we do and why we do those things. Thompson contends that we all have a quiet narrator who interprets the story in which we live. This narrator can tell a true story or a false one. Shame can function as that narrator without us even knowing it. In various places in the introduction, Thompson says this;

I will examine shame in the context of the biblical narrative. And, as I will suggest more directly later, if shame is not understood in this context, it will become a powerful driving force in telling a different story…..This, then, is a book about the story of shame. The one we tell about it, the one it tells about us, and even more so the one God has been telling about all of us from the beginning. Most important, this book also examines how the story of the Bible offers us a way not only to understand shame but also to effectively put it to death, even if that takes a lifetime to accomplish. But putting shame to death is not simply about addressing it as a deeply destructive emotional and relational nuisance. For we cannot speak of shame without speaking of creation and God’s intention for it. From the beginning it has been God’s purpose for this world to be one of emerging goodness, beauty and joy. Evil has wielded shame as a primary weapon to see to it that that world never happens. Consequently, to combat shame is not merely to wrestle against something we detest. It is to do that very thing that provides the necessary space for each of us to live like God, become like Jesus and grow up to be who we were born to be (Introduction).

The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves

By Curt Thompson

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In other words, shame is used by the Evil One to break Shalom…Peace...Wholeness. It disintegrates us from God, our brain’s many parts, ourselves, others and God’s calling over our lives to advance his good and gracious redemption of this broken world.

Personal Reflection

As I read this book, I came to see what Thompson says is true of all of us. We all live with shame and we all shame others. We learn at an early age how to leverage shame for our own survival. And when we do, we become active players in disintegration. It shows up in casual interactions, the way we treat our spouses and children and how we seek to convince ourselves that we count, as Thompson says, “that we are enough.” It is with this backdrop that he spends nine chapters helping the reader confront shame and find ways to wage war against the Evil One who leverages shame. It is within this context that the Christian story of grace, mercy, and inclusion in Christ, shines most brightly.

Copyright © 2016 Timothy S. Lane

Four Pillars for a Lasting Marriage

How do you keep the song in your relationship? It seems as if most couples drift apart over time. They get married, build careers, raise the children and then wake up one morning and wonder who the other is. While each person in a marriage is an individual, once you are married you become a team. How you keep the team together is everything. Marriage expert, John Gottman puts it this way:

Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together--a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you and that lead you to understand who you are as a family (p. 261)

This is Gottman’s seventh principle. He calls it Create Shared Meaning. Before we look at the last of the seven principles, let’s remember the first six with a brief paraphrase in parentheses:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps (never stop getting to know each other)

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration (stay positive)

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away (seek re-connection)

4. Let Your Partner Influence You (appreciate one another’s strengths)

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems (fix what you can fix)

6. Overcome Gridlock (learn to live with lifelong differences)

Create Shared Meaning

In this seventh principle, Gottman is moving in the direction of a deeper spiritual foundation that all marriages need to thrive. Marriage can’t just be limited to two human beings forming a deep friendship. As important as that is, there must be something transcendent. Something bigger than the marriage that gives it meaning outside of the relationship. He calls this the “Four Pillars of Shared Meaning.”

Pillar One: Rituals of Connection

Gottman says that “creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to the tendency to disconnect” (p. 263). What does he mean by ritual?

A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness. Most of us are familiar with rituals from childhood, whether going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, lighting Kwanzaa candles or the menorah, sharing pumpkin pie at Grandma’s Thanksgiving, attending family reunions, etc. However, it’s common for people not to discuss what these traditions symbolize to them. In his book The Intentional Family, sociologist William Doherty highlighted the importance of couples creating rituals that are intentional and meaningful. By recognizing the ongoing value and significance of the rituals you each bring to your relationship, and the new ones you create together, you further your identity as a family. (p. 264)

Pillar Two: Support For Each Other’s Roles

The more a couple shares a similar vision of the role they play in the marriage, the deeper the connection. This is not only connected to how husband and wife view their roles with each other, it also is connected to what they value in terms of parenting and what they want to pass along to their children. Gottman is clear to say that this does not mean complete agreement on every matter. Instead, he emphasizes that there should be enough cohesion between husband and wife that they work alongside one another as a team.

Pillar Three: Shared Goals

A common vision for accomplishing deep and meaningful goals creates a deep bond between husband and wife. Raising children with specific beliefs and convictions, giving generously of time and money to special projects that serve the community, or caring for extended family as they age are all examples of significant shared goals.

Pillar Four: Shared Values and Symbols

These values and symbols are often associated with fundamental beliefs that arise out of one’s religious beliefs and commitments.

Values and beliefs form the final pillar of shared meaning in a marriage. These are philosophical tenets that guide how you wish to conduct your lives. For some people, values are deeply rooted in religious conviction. (p. 270)

In his book, Gottman provides helpful questions for a couple to determine where they need to grow according to each of these four pillars. What is most helpful is how practical the questions and exercises are. Most couples can grasp the big concepts, it's knowing how to specifically implement them that is the challenge.

Gottman and The Gospel

In this final section, Gottman is attempting to tether couples to something transcendent; something bigger than their own marriage. I find this immensely important because this is exactly what Scripture does with much greater clarity. The Apostle Paul connects the covenant of marriage to the bigger covenant relationship that each spouse has with the true and living God. He also says that marriage is a picture of Christ’s relationship with his people. Hear Paul’s familiar words in Ephesians 5:31-33:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Notice how Paul goes back and forth between the marriage between spouses and God’s relationship to his people. Paul understands the priorities of the vertical and horizontal dimensions in a lasting marriage.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

By Gottman PhD, John, Silver, Nan

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The overall strength of John Gottman’s work is the insight he has gained through hours of observation, research and reflection. He has picked up on the contours for what makes relationships work. The micro-moments of interaction between spouses is critical to the health and well-being of a marriage. This insight alone is worth pondering and acting upon.

This is where we can most learn from Gottman. It may be tempting to casually dismiss his findings and argue that the Bible has already captured what Gottman has observed. But what I have found in my own marriage and in those whom I have helped, is how easy it is to overlook the obvious. We can articulate the grand themes of Scripture and talk about a I Corinthians 13 kind of love, but most of us don’t know what that looks like in our daily interactions.

Any thoughtful Christian can see where the good news of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection intersect and add beautiful and substantive depth to what Gottman observes and offers at the level of attitudes, emotions and behaviors. We can also thank God for John Gottman for his research, insights and commitment to marriage.

Copyright © 2016 Timothy S. Lane

Four Things to Help Overcome Gridlock in Your Marriage

Have you ever found yourself in a place in your marriage where you and your spouse disagree and it seems like there is no way forward? At some point, in any marriage, this is a possibility. It happens when you can’t learn to live with your perpetual problems. According to John Gottman every couple has two kinds of problems; perpetual (70%) and solvable (30%). How a couple handles the perpetual problems is critical to avoiding gridlock.

Here are some possible issues that can be the source of gridlock:

• She wants another child, he doesn’t
• He wants to adopt, she doesn’t
• She wants to attend this church, he wants to attend another
• He wants to go out and enjoy friends, she would rather stay at home
• She doesn’t mind clutter, he can’t stand the site of dust
• He wants a dog, she wants a cat
• She wants him to lead family devotions, he wants her to
• He wants a mini-SUV, she wants a mini-van
• She wants to decorate the house, he wants to increase their giving to charity
• He hates being late, she doesn’t mind being late

If you take a good look at the various types of issues that can lead to gridlock, you will notice that it can be anything! It can be something as significant as having children or a spiritual conviction to something as minor as how clean and orderly you prefer your house to be. Gottman says this:

Whether they seem important or petty to outsiders, all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics. You’ll know you’ve reached gridlock if:
1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out–giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

Does that sound familiar? Do you and your spouse or another couple you know describe an issue in their marriage in this way? If so, what can you do? Here are four things, according to John Gottman:

1. Become a Dream Detective

According to Gottman, gridlock reveals that there are core values and beliefs underneath gridlock. So while the issue may look simple on the surface, there is much more going on underneath.

To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life (p.238).

In order to avoid gridlock, you must become aware of the dreams that are underneath the conflict, begin to respect your spouse’s dreams and learn to incorporate their dreams into the relationship. When you have reached an impasse, there is a loss of respect, fondness and admiration. You must reclaim that. The way you do that is by asking your spouse what the area of gridlock means to them. What dream is it attached to?

As you listen, you may begin to see the deeper logic and start to reconnect with your spouse. This may seem simplistic, but it isn’t. It is never simplistic to make attempts to understand your spouse and listen to them as they share their deeper dreams and aspirations.

2. Remain Calm

Discussing issues that involve gridlock can be very emotional because it has become a source of tension that has remained in the marriage for a long time. To bring it up again will require wisdom. Gottman suggests that if either spouse begins to feel overwhelmed, it is important to stop the discussion and take a 20 minute break. During that 20 minute break, do something that is calming (read, go for a walk, listen to some music, pray).

3. Reach a Temporary Compromise

Gottman says that this next step will allow you to continue to discuss the issue. It will likely never go away but you are seeking to “defang” the issue that is causing gridlock. You do this by separating the issue in two ways and drawing two circles:

“Nonnegotiable areas” circle: These are the aspects of the conflict that you absolutely cannot give on without violating your basic needs or core values.

“Areas of flexibility” circle: This category includes all parts of the issue where you can be flexible, because they are not so “hot” for you.

Gottman encourages the couple to make the nonnegotiable circle as small as they can and the flexibility circle as big as possible. The couple should make an attempt over the next two months and then come back to the table and evaluate how they are doing. This will not solve the problem but it will help a couple live more peacefully with one another.

Here is an example of reaching a temporary compromise from Gottman’s book:

Kyle and Nicole

Gridlocked problem: Very different comfort levels with expressing emotions.

1. Detect and Discuss the Dreams Within the Conflict
Nicole’s Dream: Being emotional is part of her self-identity and part of what gives meaning to her life.
Kyle’s Dream: He sees being emotional as a weakness.

2. Remain Calm
They both agree that if either starts to feel overwhelmed in the discussing that it is okay to take a break and come back to discuss more.

3. Reach Temporary Compromise (Two-Circled Method)

Nonnegotiable areas:
Nicole’s: She cannot stop reacting with great passion to life.
Kyle’s: He cannot become a highly emotional person just to please her.

Areas of flexibility: They both accept that their spouse cannot change a basic personality trait.

Temporary Compromise: They will be respectful of their differences in this area. He will be receptive to her need to talk about and share feelings. She will accept when he cannot do this.

Ongoing Conflict: They will continue to have very different approaches to expressing emotion. (p.257)

4. Say “Thank You”

Dealing with gridlock is never easy. That is why it is so important to end the discussion on a positive note. This will be a process that won’t be “fixed” quickly. You will know that progress is being made when the issue feels less loaded and scary.

Gottman and the Gospel

What are we to make of this approach to gridlock? First, Gottman will tell you that he has seen this work for many couples. That, by itself, ought to get our attention. Why would we not want to utilize some basic skills to help couples who are in the midst of gridlock? But can we offer couples something more than helpful skills? Better, can we offer them something that strengthens their ability to face gridlock in their marriages? I think so.

Listen carefully to the Apostle Paul in Philippians 2:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

By John Gottman Ph.D., Nan Silver

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If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, in any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Pondering the self-sacrificial work of Christ in our behalf and praying to Father, Son and Spirit for grace will certainly enable a couple to move forward with humility, thinking more carefully about their spouse. This does not mean that it will not be a process or that it will be easy. It does mean that there is something unique about tapping into a power and resource outside of ourselves.

Remember, listening to another person’s dreams, remaining calm, seeking compromise and expressing appreciation do not come naturally. Thankfully, we have Someone who has redeemed us and is “purifying for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good” (Titus 2:14).

Copyright © 2016 Timothy S. Lane