Unanswered Prayers

Have you ever wondered why it feels like so many of your prayers go unanswered? How often have you prayed for something and nothing seems to change or happen based upon your clearly articulated requests? If we take a moment to look at the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6, you may have a better idea for why some of your prayers are not answered in just the way you wanted. Let’s start with some basics.

The Lord’s Prayer has six petitions. 3 “Your” and 3 “Our”. The first three focus our attention upward to God. 1) Your Name 2) Your Kingdom 3) Your Will. The second three focus our attention on our needs. 1) Our Bread 2) Our Forgiveness 3) Our Deliverance from Temptation.

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 10 your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 11 Give us today our daily bread. 12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’

Seeing this order helps us as we think about what it means to specifically pray for our daily bread. We have to pray the “our” petitions in view of and through the first three “your” petitions.

When we are praying for “our daily bread,” it is easy to confuse our needs and wants. Daily bread has to do with the necessities of life, not the luxuries (that does not mean it is wrong to enjoy things beyond the necessities, but we have to be careful not to confuse the two in our prayers for daily bread). That is why we must start with the first petition, “Hallowed be Your name.” Whenever we hallow or make something ultimate in our lives other than God, we will begin to confuse our wants as needs. Hallowing God means we keep things in their proper place. When we don’t hallow God and make something else central to our lives, we will tend to pray self-centered prayers. James puts it this way,

You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures (James 4:2-3).

Whenever we confuse our wants for needs, our prayers will become self-centered. They also will not be about his kingdom but our own.

When I was a young parent, I would find myself praying that God would change my children. On the surface, that doesn’t sound all that bad. In fact, it can seem pretty godly. But whose kingdom was driving that prayer? Sometimes it was God’s, but many times it was my kingdom. “God, change my childrens so that my life won’t be so difficult.” “God, change my children so my reputation is not harmed.” Those prayers sound like I am praying with my own pleasures in mind.

What about you? What seemingly good things are you praying about, but sometimes with your own pleasures and glory in view, not God’s? “God, work in my spouses’ life.” “God, make this week’s sermon really good.” “God, make everything at work go just right so that I can relax a little and enjoy an early retirement.” “God, take this struggle with temptation and sin away so that I can be free.” “God, remove this suffering from my life so that I can really glorify you.”

What are you praying for today? Are you praying at all? Take a careful look at your “Our” petitions and examine them a bit more closely. You might find, as I have, that your perspective needs to be aligned more clearly by hallowing God and his kingdom more than your own.

If you find that difficult, remember that Jesus prayed, “Not my will but your will, Father” so that we might be rescued from the tyranny of our self-centeredness.

Copyright © 2015 Timothy S. Lane

Epidemic Worry

Worry is an epidemic. 1 in 5 Americans struggle deeply with anxiety. That is nearly 65 million people. And when I say struggle, I mean in a debilitating way. It will impact their ability to function at home and on the job, and it will impact their relationships in significant ways. Not only do they have difficulty dealing with others, others will not know how to respond and help them.

While there are many ways that an anxious person needs help, it is no coincidence that within the broader context of Jesus’ teaching on worry in Matthew 6:25-34, he also teaches his disciples to pray in Matthew 6:9-13.

In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus says don’t worry about things like food, drink and clothing. If we are not to worry about food, drink and clothing, what are we to do?

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

In Matthew 6:9-13, Jesus calls us to pray for “daily bread.” Coincidence? Not at all.

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.

We are called to pray for these things and expect God to provide them; sometimes in “miraculous” ways and often in “ordinary” ways. Either way, they are gracious gifts from the Father. As James says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17).

So you see, Jesus tells us there is another, better way than worrying. Simply stop and acknowledge your utter dependence on God for everything and ask him to provide for your needs. Your daily bread. Bread, not dessert! Necessities, not wants.

When was the last time you found yourself actually praying for things that you tend to take for granted? Food, drink, paying the bills, good health insurance, giving to others?

When was the last time you said something like this,

“Dear Father, I do not take for granted that there will be food on the table tonight. Rather, I come to you and acknowledge that unless you provide, I will go without. I acknowledge that even the skills I have to provide for my needs come from you. Thank you. I pray not just for my own needs but for the needs of others as well. Give us today, daily bread.”

While I don’t want to oversimplify the struggle with anxiety, Jesus does call us to a life of childlike, dependent prayer.

Copyright © 2015 Timothy S. Lane

You Never Know Who Might be Listening

Recently, I had the opportunity to teach on a variety of issues including anxiety, depression, psychoses, anger, suicide assessment, addictions and personality disorders. Sometimes, because I think about these issues quite a bit, I approach them in a detached way. As I plough through my material, I can forget that the people I am teaching and equipping might be strugglers as well as helpers. Imagine that--people in training may be in the process of seeing God’s redeeming work of change in their own lives.

Let me share two examples with you:

Addictions

While teaching a seminary class on addictions, I mentioned the difference between substance addictions and lifestyle addictions. When most people hear the word “addiction” they immediately think alcohol, marijuana, or pain killers; the usual suspects. Yet, some people fail to see that issues like gambling, shopping, spending time on the internet, and pornography qualify as addictions, also. If you look at how either of these types of addictions affect the brain, you will notice clear similarities. Habituation and tolerance both arise as you indulge in the behavior. The person will experience similar withdrawal symptoms, too.

During the break, I was organizing my notes and a young woman approached me. I assumed she had a technical question about the syllabus or some assignment, but that was not why she wanted to talk. She discreetly and helpfully shared about her husband’s addiction to pornography and how it had impacted their marriage. While she was realistic, she was hopeful because of what God had been doing in their relationship. I was heartened and thankful that she was willing to share that with me. It changed the rest of my teaching on addiction that afternoon.

Suicide Assessment

Another startling example happened when I was teaching on suicide and suicide assessment. Once again, I found myself working through the details of suicide statistics. 41,000 people will commit suicide in the United States this year. Most of them will be men even though women will try more often. Men are more “successful” because they use more violent means.

After teaching on helpful ways to assess whether someone is seriously committed to harming themselves, I casually opened it up for some Q & A. A few technical questions were asked, and then another young woman shared her story. She said that one year ago, she had her suicide all planned out. She had written a note, had the means to kill herself and was going to follow through as soon as she returned home from a Christian camp! She then said that God had worked powerfully over the week and she had become a Christian. She returned home a radically different person. I was humbled by her confession. There she was, sitting in the front row, taking notes for about 45 minutes, and then she shared her story.

Once again, I was awakened to the fact that real sufferers are always in my audience. The impact was almost like a reset button for me. When I am teaching, I am more than a “talking head” disseminating information. Rather, I am a servant speaking words of life to people who need grace. You really never know who is listening.

Copyright © 2015 Timothy S. Lane

Addiction and Family

My Granddaddy's Anvil

No family can escape the reality of addiction. Yet, we all act embarrassed and struggle with shame when the truth is uncovered. Even today, with so much attention paid to addictions and the attempt to normalize it, it still remains the scarlet "A" of a family's identity.

Take a moment and think of the number of people that you know who either struggle with an addiction or have family members who do. Talk to your parents or grandparents and see how far back the history goes. If you pay attention, you will find it everywhere.

My mother's dad was an alcoholic in a small southern town. This was back in the 40's and 50's when the church was the center of social life for the majority of people. Forty some odd years later, she reflected upon that time in her life and her family's life. She captures the complexities and ambiguities in this poem written in 1985. I was visiting my parents and sister a month ago and my mom read this poem to me. She said that I could share it with you. Enjoy, ponder, weep, and be sobered as you wrestle with your own "addictions." Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.

Hammering

My mom knew the cadence
of my daddy’s hammering.
The ring of the hammer against steel
broke the hush of the summer day
and echoed over the valley
behind the Mills house, 
down Church Street, 
and up to the high porch
of the old Minkovitz duplex
where we lived on one side, 
the Slappeys on the other.

“That’s Arrie hammering,” 
she would say.  
Anne Ria and I, sitting cross-legged
on the porch playing with paper dolls, 
would stop and listen.

Later when I’d hear the sound, 
I’d say, 
“That’s my daddy hammering.”
That was before I became ashamed
he was my father.

Even now I recall that time, 
hear the shrill peal of metal on metal, 
see my dad striking the red hot tool on the anvil, 
shaping, molding it expertly
as he was somehow unable to do with his own life, 
sending a clear bell-like message across the town
while his voice was silent.

What hurt, what loss, what fears
was he trying to assuage with the pounding?

I didn’t always wonder.

JoAnn Lane
11/04/85

Copyright © 2015 Timothy S. Lane

If you or someone you know struggles with an addiction, here are a few helpful resources.

Addiction and Grace, Gerald G. May, M. D

Toughest People to Love, Dr. Chuck DeGroat

What Does it Take to Survive and Thrive in Ministry?

5 Essential Ingredients: What Are They?

The old joke goes something like this, "For six days a pastor is hard to find and the seventh, hard to understand." While that may be funny on the surface, it belies a deep misunderstanding of what pastors do from day to day and week to week. It also reveals a significant lack of understanding of the life, pressures and expectations of someone in ministry.

Recently, I  re-read a helpful book on pastoral ministry entitled, Resilient Ministry: What Pastors Told us About Surviving and Thriving. (Bob Burns, Tasha D. Chapman, and Donald C. Guthrie, IVP Books, 2013)

Here is how the book came to be:

This book, based on seven years of research, seeks to answer these questions. Our research focused on gathering pastors and their spouses into peer cohorts, which met repeatedly in multi day retreats called Pastors Summits where we facilitated heartfelt discussions about the challenges of vocational ministry. This book presents the summary and analysis of those discussions in light of our literature research and experiences.

Based upon the discussions, the book identifies 5 areas that are critical for surviving and thriving in Christian ministry. Those five areas are:

• Spiritual Formation: personal growth in grace and maturity.
• Self Care: the pursuit of physical, mental and emotional health.
• Emotional and Cultural Intelligence: Emotional intelligence of oneself as well as others.
• Marriage and Family: spiritual and relational health with their spouse, children and extended family.
• Leadership and Management: sharing congregational leadership, building congregational community, effective administration, conflict utilization and responsible self-management.'

No Sour Grapes, Just Reality

As I pondered these 5 areas, I reflected back on my time in seminary and my days in pastoral ministry. Unfortunately, I can't remember when any of these five areas were emphasized in my preparation for ministry, nor my ongoing equipping while in ministry! While much of what I studied in seminary was essential to my work, so much was never addressed. In addition, there was little or no vision for ongoing development and growth once I found myself in a pastoral role. This was virtually missing at the local, as well as the regional and national level in my denomination.

As I reflected back on my circle of friends who have spent many years in ministry, they confirm that these critical areas are where most of their challenges and heartache lie. It is almost always the areas that caused many to leave.

A Way Forward?

If these findings are accurate, what does this say about our seminary training and ongoing support that is provided for those serving in pastoral ministry? I think the conclusions are obvious. But will we take them seriously? We can't afford not to.

For information about an organization that addresses these very issues, follow this link to the Institute for Pastoral Care.

Copyright © 2015 Timothy S. Lane