Practical Strategies For Pastoral Care

Practical Helps

Since the need for longer term care is so high, what should be in place and ready to be activated in these kinds of situations?

• Basic Care Should Already Be In Place

Small groups, Sunday school classes, other groupings, and a basic care committee need to be in place already (moving transitions, welcome committee, new baby, meals, etc.). If there is not a culture of care at this level, then it will be even harder when the need for long term care arises. Any and every church should develop a care ministry that begins here and covers the basics. Make this a ministry team that includes men and women.

• Form a Small Group to Oversee Care When A Specific Need Arises

When long term care needs arise, the critical first step is to form a small group to respond and manage the care. Having a group, instead of a single individual is critical to preventing helper burn out. Begin the process with someone making contact with the family and asking for permission to form a care group. Suggest names and/or ask them for people with whom they will feel comfortable.

Asking for permission needs to pervade the entire process or the family will likely feel micro-managed. Having the family grant permission honors them and communicates that though things may be hard, they are not out of control.

A good support group can provide stability. They need to ask good questions, listen to the family, receive good information, see the needs, ask for permission to act, organize a system that includes all who want to help, implement and oversee the daily plan, make changes when necessary, and remain flexible. Not a small task!

• Don’t Make an Elder or a Deacon the Organizer

This is a suggestion learned from experience and should be carefully considered. An elder or deacon may be on the team but should not lead it because their focus should be on providing oversight and care for the care-givers. Usually you can identify someone outside the elder or deacon board who has strong administrative gifts to provide leadership and structure for the care team. Elders and deacons may certainly assist and be involved but they should be thinking about the pastoral needs of the care group itself. In addition, the elder and deacon can provide a good link to the larger elder/deacon board.

Copyright © 2013 Timothy S. Lane. All rights reserved.

Going the Distance in Pastoral Care

The Situation

Joe had a stroke and is no longer functioning. His family has to care for him 24/7. Andy is a young boy with autism. He needs help and so do his parents. Joan is showing signs of dementia. She is not the only one who needs help.

Are you facing a situation in your church that will require pastoral care over a long period of time? If you don’t have a situation like that now – you will in the future. Are you ready for it? Caring for people in the local church is challenging work. As a pastor, I remember numerous occasions where a need for long term care arose. 

The Need

Sometimes the need for long term care can be challenging if a church is not prepared in advance. What does it look like to persevere? Long term crises can include a spouse who suffers a stroke and is incapacitated, care for the elderly, Alzheimer’s, teen pregnancy, a child with autism, or simply a family with ongoing counseling and pastoral care needs. All of these represent a challenge to a church.

Current Realities

What are some current societal realities that make this issue so important?

• Traditional extended-family care is no longer the norm. When the single mother of three small children becomes hospitalized and does not live in close proximity to family, the burden for care falls quickly upon the relationships in the body of Christ. This opportunity for service not only blesses the family in need, it also shows the gospel in action to those outside the church who see the care that is given.

• The following statement from To Be the Hands of God: A Woman's Journey, One Congregations Challenge by Judith Ransom, confirms the breakdown in extended family care:

We are a nation on the move with little in savings, little nearby family support, and health insurance that either does not cover policyholders completely or is non-existent. Split families, step-families, extended families, and no family at all—each add their own peculiar mix of problems and solutions. No wonder illness is scary. Roles are no longer rigidly defined and it is anyone’s guess where support will be found in a crisis.

Gospel Incentives

What incentives and imperatives do the Scriptures bring to this challenging area of gospel ministry and pastoral care? Two passages are important for the task: 1 Peter 4:8 and Ephesians 3:14-19. In 1 Peter 4:8, we are called to “love one another deeply.” The word translated deeply can also mean “constant”. “Keep love constant” would be a good translation. The word describes something that is stretched or extended. The love of the saints keeps stretching, in both depth and endurance.

This connects nicely with Ephesians 3 where Paul prays that we would “grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge…” Persevering love grows out of the Gospel. You must start here if you are going to find the strength and incentive to go the distance with people. Within the context of 1 Peter 4:8, we are then called to “offer hospitality without grumbling” as well as utilize both word and deed gifts in the situation.

Copyright © 2013 Timothy S. Lane. All rights reserved.

Cultivating a Christian Memory

When you first wake up, where do your thoughts go? More than likely, this is the most important thing on your mind and will typically define the rest of your day. Let's say you are planning a party or you are in the midst of a project at work. You need to focus energy and thought on how to get these things accomplished. While these are good things, is there something bigger shaping the way that we go about the smaller details of our lives? We need help focusing our attention.

The Significance of the Christian Calendar

For those not familiar with the traditional church calendar, the video below is a very accessible and short explanation. Since the season of Advent has begun, let's take a moment to reflect on how we can use the next four weeks to remind us that the story of redemption is the larger "meta-narrative" by which we as Christians understand not only human history but our own personal history. Our lives are embedded within a larger story.

Advent and the Advent Wreath
 
Advent is the Christian's New Year as we anticipate the arrival of the Savior.  In some traditions, the celebration of Advent is symbolized through the use of an advent wreath.

The word "Advent" is derived from a Latin root which means 'coming' or 'arrival', and the season (beginning four Sundays before Christmas) was developed sometime after the sixth century as a preparation for the evangelical festival celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.

The four Advent candles in the wreath are lit successively, one candle the first week, two candles the second week, and so on. This tradition of increasing the number of candles each week sharpens our anticipation as it reminds us that we are getting closer and closer to the celebration of Christ's birth. Jesus announced himself as the completion of Isaiah's promise of "a great light" when he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life" (John 8:12). The full blaze of light in the Advent wreath on Christmas represents the fulfillment of this promise.

The Significance of Rhythm and Memory

Why is all of this important? 

As Christians, when we participate in the various seasons of the church calendar, we are reminded that we are presently connected to Christians all over the world and with brothers and sisters in Christ over the past 2000 years. This rhythm and memory is bigger than any national holiday. It transcends nationalism.

Psalm 136 is a picture of the people of God reflecting upon their history and sharpening their memory. The Psalmist starts with the Lord's existence, moves through creation and recounts His redemptive work in the Exodus. Each memory is followed by the phrase, "His love endures forever." Repetition is serving a good purpose by reminding us of who we truly are by what ultimately defines us.

As you participate in the season of Advent, allow this rhythm to cultivate a memory shaped by the Greater Exodus of God's redemption through Jesus. Remember......His love endures forever!

"The Story...As Told Through the Christian Calendar" © 2013 Christ Church Anglican  Click through to Vimeo to view original source.

Copyright © 2013 Tim Lane. All rights reserved.

Practical Ways to Love Your Family

Take Practical Steps Towards Your Family

These suggestions are relevant for families regardless of the level of difficulty. Even a good family can take for granted the blessings of genuine familial commitment. Rather than take it for granted, continue to nurture it with the following suggestions.

1. Pray for your family. Start by praying regularly for your family and for your relationship with them.  Pray that the same grace that has changed you will fill their lives.
2. Open up lines of communication. Call home; write letters; remember birthdays and anniversaries. If abuse has been an issue, ask a wise friend to help you decide how to protect yourself as you reach out in love.
3. Ask for forgiveness. Every human relationship involves two sinners, so that means you probably need to ask at least one family member for forgiveness. Have you been antagonistic? Easily angered? Self-righteous? Go to the family member you have wronged and asked for forgiveness.
4. Don’t take sides and be drawn into new disagreements.  Resist the temptation to go back to old patterns and ways of relating.  Let your family know you have no interest in taking sides and gossiping about other family members.
5. Don’t take on the role of trying to parent your parents. Remember that God has given you clear things that you are responsible to do like pray for and honor your parents. You are not responsible to make decisions that they need to make.
6. Be creative in how you spend your time together. Don’t just settle for a relational détente when you are in one another’s homes. Plan to do activities together where you are required to work together, plan together, and talk constructively.

Don't Use the Holiday to Air Family Struggles

Proverbs 25:11 says, The right word at the right time is like golden apples in silver jewelry. What this teaches us is that timing is important when discussing issues. There are appropriate times and there are not so appropriate times. Usually, family gatherings over the holidays are not the best time to deal with deeper family dynamics. It is often very tempting but it rarely goes well. Use the holidays to serve one another and build relational trust. This will potentially open doors for later conversations where you can address specific patterns and struggles.

Loving your family in these ways will mean dying to self-centeredness and growing in Christ-centeredness.  As you pray and ask the Spirit of God to change you, old barriers you have erected between you and your family may begin to come down. 

What has been helpful in your family? Take a moment and post things that you have found helpful to nurture good relationships in your family.

Copyright©2013 by Timothy S. Lane 

Who Can Help You Love Your Family?

Who can help you persevere in your relationships with your family? Who can enable you to change the way you relate to them?

Jesus said some surprising things about how we are to relate to our families. Listen to these startling words:

Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:25-27)

You might be thinking, “How can this passage help me love my family? It seems like Jesus is encouraging me to do what I naturally want to do!”  But Jesus isn’t saying that we are to actively hate our parents or siblings—that would contradict other places where Jesus calls us to love our enemies, and it would be a violation of the fifth commandment where we are called to honor our parents and provide for our families (1 Timothy 5:8). So what does he mean?

We get some help by comparing this passage to what Jesus says on the same subject in Matthew.

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”(Matthew 10:37-39)

Notice that Jesus is using comparative language (more than) to contrast our love for him to our love for family. He is not saying we should actively hate our families. Instead he is saying something quite radical—you can’t be his disciple unless you treasure him above everything else.  Our love for him must far surpass our love for anything or anyone else including family. Our devotion to him should be so unique that all other loves will look like hatred by comparison.

We all grew up in families where parents and siblings sinned against us and disappointed us. When our need for their approval is more important to us than our love for God, it’s easy to hold grudges and be angry and bitter for them not treating us the way we think we ought to be treated. But when God is first in our hearts, we can put their failures and sins into a bigger context of our primary relationship with God, and we won’t be eaten up by bitterness and disappointment. This won’t be automatic or easy—remember, Jesus said to “take up your cross daily” (Luke 9:23). You must die to yourself every day by finding your identity in what Jesus has done for you in his life, death, and resurrection.

For more on this subject, read Family Feuds: How to Respond  Copyright©2008 by Timothy S. Lane