Two Things You Need When You Disagree With Your Spouse

Do you and your spouse seem to argue about the same issues that never get resolved? You are not alone. Even good marriages have these kinds of disagreements. In reality, all marriages have challenges. You can’t live in close proximity with another human being and not struggle to love them; and it’s the same with them as they relate to you.

John Gottman has spent a lifetime helping couples grow in their ability to love one another. In his most popular book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he focuses on very practical ways we can love our spouses and enjoy our marriages through what he calls Positive Sentiment Override, or PSO. The first three aspects of PSO are:

• Enhance Your Love Maps: never stop learning who your spouse is.

• Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration: make sure you focus on the positive more than the negative.

• Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away: always try to tune into your spouse.

These first three enable a couple to build a solid friendship. Gottman has found that couples who have more positive than negative interactions and thoughts about their spouses are better able to deal with conflicts when they emerge.

Our research confirms the central role that bids play in a relationship. In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids an average of 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent (p.88)

With that foundation, Gottman says that you will more likely be able to navigate the challenges of marriage. He then proposes four things that are necessary for doing just that. Here are the first two:

Let Your Partner Influence You

In every relationship, there are power issues that must be acknowledged. In Genesis, immediately after the Fall, Adam and Eve entered into what some have described as the battle of the sexes. Genesis 3:16 says, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” This is describing sinful power plays between husband and wife as a result of the fall.

Gottman has observed and sees the importance of each partner sharing strengths and allowing each to influence the other:

In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, whom we followed for nine years, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct (p. 116).

Gottman goes on to say that no matter what your religious views are, mutual respect and learning from each other are necessary for a strong marriage. This is consistent with the appropriately understood meaning of Ephesians 5:22-33, which emphasizes serving one another within the context of marriage. The bottom line is mutual respect and a willingness to learn from one another is critical for a couple to enjoy their relationship.

Tim and Kathy Keller put it this way in their book, The Meaning of Marriage,

Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage (p.50).

Solve Your Solvable Problems

At this point, he begins to address conflict. This comes on the heels of the first four principles. He isn’t avoiding the issue, he is saying that a couple’s ability to navigate conflict is equal to their friendship. But once he gets here, he spends four chapters providing some of the most practical advice and counsel I have read.

He first distinguishes between two types of conflict in a marriage,

Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into one of two categories: either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another. Once you are able to identify and define your various disagreements, you’ll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you’re having (p. 137).

Perpetual problems: make up about 69% of happy couples’ conflict (having kids, sex, money, housework, raising and disciplining kids to name a few). What happy couples are able to do is live with these differences and approach it with a sense of humor. In unstable marriages, these same problems eventually kill the relationship. Gottman calls this “gridlock.”

Solvable problems: make up the remaining 31% of conflict in a marriage. If not addressed in helpful ways, they can have a negative impact on the relationship, creating space for the four horsemen of the apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling). Here are the basic skills all couples need to deal with their solvable problems:

• Distinguishing between perpetual and solvable problems

• Soften your start-up

• Learn to make and receive repair attempts

• Soothe yourself and each other

• Compromise

• Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

In each of these items, you will find some practical skills that are easy to learn. He covers typical problems such as relations with in-laws, money, chores around the house, sex and becoming new parents.

I can’t stress enough how helpful these three chapters are!

Gottman and the Gospel

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

By Gottman PhD, John, Silver, Nan

Buy on Amazon

John Gottman’s research will serve you and your spouse well. If you are a helper/counselor, his material will serve well those you seek to help. I continue to find that true in my own marriage and those I minister to. Scripture confirms Gottman’s research and his astute observations. But the Christian has an additional perspective that is truly humbling, comforting and liberating. We have deeper themes of grace, mercy and forgiveness that are available to us in Christ. While skills are important, building skillful living on the foundation of the Gospel is transformational. While happy marriages are good, happy marriages where each spouse is being conformed into the likeness of Christ is much better.

Copyright © 2016 Timothy S. Lane

The Most Important Ingredient to Improve Your Marriage

What fuels a strong, resilient, enjoyable marriage? Most people would immediately answer with suggestions like better communication and the ability to resolve conflicts. As important as those skills are, it is actually much more simple than that. According to marriage and relationship expert John Gottman, it boils down to one thing: friendship!

Why is Friendship so Important?

When you think about it, the most important dynamic needed in a strong marriage is what Gottman calls Positive Sentiment Override, which is just another way of talking about friendship.

What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. (p.4)

The concept of PSO was first proposed by University of Oregon psychologist Robert Weiss. It simply means that their positive thoughts about each other are so strong that they override any negative thoughts that they have. When conflict emerges, they are able to weather the challenge because they have already built relationship resilience. It doesn’t mean that a couple won’t ever struggle, but it will take a much bigger conflict to rock the relationship.

The entire work of John Gottman has been less about predicting divorce as it has been about helping couples build PSO. Because he has observed so many couples in his 40+ years of research, he provides useful relational skills that can deeply enhance a marriage or any relationship.

What Does Friendship Look Like?

Here are the first three of seven ways that Gottman provides for couples to connect and build their friendship with one another:

Enhance Your Love Maps    

What does this mean? It means that you never stop getting to know your spouse. So often, through the mundane monotony of life and the hectic seasons of marriage, career and family life, it is easy to start ignoring your spouse. Instead, you always want to be inquisitive about your spouse. What he or she likes, dislikes, fears, and finds comfort in.

They keep remembering the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change. When she orders him a salad, she knows what kind of dressing he likes. If she works late, he’ll think to record her favorite TV show. He could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator. He knows that religion is important to her but that deep down she has doubts. She knows that he fears being too much like his father and considers himself a “free spirit.” They know each other’s life goals, worries and hopes.

Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them? No wonder the biblical term for sexual love is to “know.” (p.54)

Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Another practical way that you build your friendship or increase PSO is through nurturing your fondness and admiration for your spouse. The tendency in any marriage is to slowly let your guard down and not work at thinking and expressing the things you appreciate about one another. It is much more natural and easy to start finding fault and pointing out the things you don’t like.

At first, this may all seem obvious to the point of being ridiculous: People who are happily married like each other. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be happily married. But fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage. By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities--even as you grapple with each other’s flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. (p.71)

The important thing to know about this aspect of building the friendship is looking for the little things about your spouse that show up in a normal day. If you start looking, you may be surprised at how fortunate you are to be married to your best friend!

Turn Toward Each Other

The third of seven ways that you can build your friendship or PSO is by turning toward one another. This is a critical way that a couple builds trust. Trust is foundational to any robust friendship. Gottman calls these interactions “bids.”

In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back-rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The spouse responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, “Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case” instead of shrugging apathetically.

In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids an average of 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent…..There’s a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationship’s future: Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored up an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times. (88-89).

Gottman and The Gospel

It seems that we have found some very helpful, empirically proven and simple skills to see our marriages flourish and grow. As I read Gottman, I am so thankful for his observations and practical guidance that has proven helpful for countless couples. I am also always listening to the pages of Scripture which are replete with this same sage counsel. This is where we turn in a new a profound direction. Scripture confirms what Gottman is seeing and describing. The Apostle Paul puts it this way in just one of many places. In Ephesians 4:1-3, he says,

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit----just as you were called to one hope when you were called---one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

By Gottman PhD, John, Silver, Nan

Buy on Amazon

It seems that what Gottman does is help us understand what it looks like in the very mundane places of life to be humble, gentle, patient and forbearing in love. For that, we can say thank you, Dr. Gottman. What Scripture does is connect us to the One who has been humble, gentle, patient and forbearing in love towards us! Father, Son and Spirit have reconciled us to God through Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. Now we are new creatures in Christ who have a new power by the Spirit to love our spouses. In light of all we have been given, this should be our daily prayer: Lord, have mercy on us that we would not squander your grace and miss opportunities in the drudgery of daily life to build Positive Sentiment Override with our spouses.

Copyright © 2016 Timothy S. Lane

Four Things That Could Be Hurting Your Marriage This Year

We all know what makes for a good marriage; a climate of grace, good communication, healthy disagreements resolved in ways that honor the other, forgiveness, empathy, good companionship and intimate sex. But are you as keen to spot the things that could be slowly destroying your marriage?

Most couples can usually intuitively tell that things aren’t right but often can’t name with specificity what is hurting their relationship. For more than four decades, John Gottman has done some significant research on what makes relationships work and what destroys those same relationships in his “Love Lab” located in Seattle, Washington. Through interviews, monitoring blood pressure, heart rates, amount of sweat and video-taped interactions between couples, Gottman and his associates have uncovered some obvious but illusive conclusions. Here is one:

The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance and passion in their marriages is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all (p. 19)

Four Marriage Defeaters

Since friendship is so important, Gottman has sought to find out what hinders and helps couples develop that friendship or what he calls “attunement.” In one section, he specifies four things that negatively impact the friendship. He calls them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse.” They are:

1. Criticism: Gottman says that there is a difference between a complaint and a criticism. All marriages have complaints. It’s when a complaint turns into a criticism that indicates something serious is going wrong. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior. “I’m really upset that you didn’t call to let me know you were going to be late. Going forward, can you please let me know?” That is a complaint. It has 3 parts: 1. How you feel (I’m really upset); 2. About a specific behavior (You did not call to let me know you were going to be late) 3. And here is what I need/want/prefer (Could you please call going forward?). Gottman defines the difference between a complaint and criticism: In contrast, a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality (p.33). Criticism is an attack on one’s character. It is much more severe in its conclusions. It sounds like this, “You are always late. You never give me a heads up. You are always just thinking about your schedule and your needs!” Can you see how criticism can destroy your marriage?
   

2. Contempt: Gottman says that “the second horseman arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect.” He goes on to say that “sarcasm, cynicism...name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery and hostile humor are all forms of contempt. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than reconciliation (p.34).”
   

3. Defensiveness: While it may make sense that you would want to defend yourself in the face of criticism and contempt, Gottman says that “research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’” There is a difference between healthy disagreement which leads to helpful resolution and Gottman’s definition of defensiveness. He spends most of his time helping couples engage with one another.
   

4. Stonewalling: the fourth horseman, stonewalling. is when one or both give up and just walk away and go silent. Gottman says, “criticism, contempt, and defensiveness don’t always gallop into a home in strict order. They function more like a relay match--handing the baton off to each other over and over again if the couple can't put a stop to it (p.37). The final horseman indicates that the couple has stopped trying and is moving away from one another. Stonewalling usually arrives later in a marriage. That’s why you may not see it in a newly married couple but you can spot it in a couple who has been married for a longer period of time.”

The Four Horsemen and James 4

John Gottman has done countless marriages a big favor through his research and writings. I have seen this in my own marriage as well as others I have counseled and taught. His observations bring specificity and concreteness to what thoughts and behaviors are at work in a marriage that is not growing. These observations alone can help a couple move away from letting the four horseman into their relationship. And yet, Scripture gives us an even deeper diagnosis. In James 4:1-3, it says that we fight and quarrel because of “desires that battle within us.” Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are tied to deeper motives that are driven by a heart that has strayed from God. What needs to be addressed includes thinking and behavior but also matters of core commitments. This is where the grace of God breaks in and rescues us from ourselves and others from us!

Gottman and the Gospel

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

By Gottman PhD, John, Silver, Nan

Buy on Amazon

What are we to make of this? Gottman helps us discern what specific thoughts and behaviors look like when a marriage is either growing or dying. These insights can be wonderfully freeing for the more relationally obtuse! And yet, the Scriptures gives us more. In the Bible, we meet a God of grace who treats us in the exact opposite ways from the four horsemen. Jesus comes to seek and save. Romans 5:8 says that, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” He comes to redeem what is most broken in us; hearts that have strayed from God. When that takes place, there is a whole new dimension to life and change that enables us to follow Jesus’ example and to say no to criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Instead, we can move towards one another with gentleness, encouragement and grace because this is how Jesus, our Bridegroom, has moved towards you and me.

For further reading about John Gottman and his work, the following book will serve as a helpful introduction.

Copyright © 2016 Timothy S. Lane