Slander in the Camp

Do not spread false reports. Do not help a wicked person by being a malicious witness. Exodus 23:1

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up dissension among brothers and sisters. Proverbs 6:16-19

How many of you have witnessed the evils of slander? Sadly, it happens all the time in circles of people who name Jesus as their King and Redeemer. The more I speak with leaders and fellow Christians, the more I realize how prevalent this is.

Slander is a violation of the 9th commandment, "You shall not bear false witness." The usual suspect we think of when it involves violating the 9th commandment is gossip. While gossip is clearly evil, we often leave out slander. My guess is that we don't really think Christians will go there. Sadly, that is not the case.

Gossip and slander are different. The difference is that slander is much more intentional. Slander is out to ruin the person or drive their reputation into the ground. Listen to the way Paul situates slander in his catalogue of sins of speech in Ephesians 4:31-32. He clearly places slander in the anger family. Notice that it is driven by the opposite of forgiveness and reconciliation:

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

In his commentary on Ephesians, John Stott defines the following words:

• Bitterness (pikria): a sour spirit and sour speech.
• Rage (thymos): a passionate rage.
• Anger (orge): settled and sullen hostility.
• Brawling (krauge): people who get excited, raise their voices in a quarrel, and start shouting, even screaming.
• Slander (blasphemia): speaking evil of others, especially behind their backs, and so defaming and even destroying their reputation.
• Malice (kakia): ill will, wishing and probably plotting evil against someone.

Another word for slander in Greek is diabolos. It is the word that is used for Satan and means the "accuser", the one who attacks the brethren. Slander is the passionate, determined goal of one person to destroy another. As you can see, it is driven by bitterness, rage, anger, brawling and every form of malice. It is diabolical. What are a few ways that we may attempt to slander someone for the purpose of harming their reputation?

• Sensationalism--spinning what someone said to sound evil.
• Betraying confidence--using constructive criticism shared in private and telling the person not present what was said with an evil spin. This is usually done so that they will join in the brawl against another person.
• Putting words in a person's mouth that were never said. This is a more straightforward, outright lie.

Why is Paul writing this to Christians? Because Christians are as capable of this as any other person. As John Owen once said, "The seed of every known sin is in my heart." Putting it simply, we are all capable of doing this. Churches, businesses, ministries and relationships are ruined...not from without, but from within.

Below is a song called, "The Murder Weapon" by T-Bone Burnett. It is a song about the evils of the tongue. It is a reminder of the fall-out of evil speech. I've included the lyrics and the YouTube video.

We are all capable of gossip and slander. Only by God's grace can we avoid them.

It can kill from any distance but you never see it strike
There isn't any warning, no blinding flash of light
It hits you when your back's turned or when your eyes are closed
There isn't any shelter and it cannot be controlled
It can be as subtle as a whisper in the dark
Or as brutal and as cutting as the teeth of a shark
 

Chorus: The murder weapon

There is no good description for the way it makes you feel
It's as lethal as a stiletto and more easily concealed
It sometimes is strategic and sometimes not at all
But you get caught in the fallout, win, lose or draw
There is no escape except to go completely mad
If it doesn't kill you right at first it makes you wish it had

Chorus: The murder weapon

Copyright © 2015 Timothy S. Lane

Redeeming Group Conflicts

Recently, I was asked to serve a church in mediating a conflict. I have also been reading recent rumblings within the Reformed community blogosphere. I had a copy of Redeeming Church Conflicts by Tara Barthel and David Edling, so I decided to peruse it for some helpful insights. I knew that one-on-one counseling was different than the dynamics at play in marriage counseling, but I had not considered the unique dynamics of counseling/mediating a larger group. An awareness of the different dynamic in group conflicts was quite helpful (What follows has no relation to the local church I assisted. Thankfully, all parties were committed to reconciliation and God blessed the individuals and church in the process).

Barthel and Edling wisely highlight a few problem areas when engaging in group conflict. I have found it very helpful personally, and I recommend it for anyone who finds themselves in this type of situation. Let me highlight a few points:

1. The Danger of Seeking Counsel Within the Church

There may be people within the church who can assist us with our conflicts. We should use caution, however, because one of the most insidious and destructive aspects of church conflict is gossip. People have an innate desire to be in the know, and when rumors of conflicts begin to spread in a church, half-truths, uncharitable presumptions, and outright lies can tear a church in two... "A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends." Proverbs 16:28. (p. 45)

It goes without saying that Christians are quite capable of gossip, innuendo, spin and outright lies when engaged in conflict. To deny that professing Christians are capable of this is naive. When you combine group conflict with perceived hurt, character scrutiny or doctrinal rectitude, the terrain can be challenging to navigate. Barthel and Edling offer helpful questions that are worthy of reflection.

2. The Destructive Power of Group Dynamics

This section in chapter seven is worth the price of the book. Here is what they say about how a group can muster momentum for their cause:

In a group conflict, people with perceived similar agendas may band together out of a sense of empowerment, or at least a sense of potential empowerment. A group sharing a goal (desire) will define their common interests in such a way that they will hopefully prevail over other competing groups.....Therefore a group will justify extreme measures to accomplish their goals, and a sense of a "holy crusade" can easily develop. (p. 98)

Mobbing is a term that is used to describe this type of group behavior. It is something that has been studied in Sweden since the 1980's, and is more commonly recognized in Europe, yet not on the radar of most US churches, businesses or organizations. Group-organized attacks are brutal and destroy any relational capital that existed prior to the conflict. Often individuals, organizations and churches suffer the hurt for many years...possibly decades.

3. The Allure of the Stage

A final lethal aspect of group conflicts is referred to as "stage." Hear what Barthel and Edling say:

Most people, willingly or not, act differently when put before an audience. In group mediation the person speaking for his or her side is on a stage. This person has been given a platform from which to demonstrate to the others that he or she is zealous for the cause of that side. Frequently people in this position use hyperbole to make a point, which causes the opposition to hear only the extremes and not whatever truth may have been presented........A "mob mentality" feeds into the problems associated with people speaking from a stage. (p. 100)

They go on to say these insightful words:

When mob mentality takes over, people feel confirmed in their views, and cherished positions develop to the point of becoming almost unassailable demands. The rush of performing for others combined with the power of group-think can push people to feel justified and reasonable in their convictions, even if they may have self-doubts or secret concerns......The temptations associated with a mob mentality and being on stage in church conflicts can lead people to do and say things in groups that, on their own, in private, they never would do or say. (p. 100)

If you have ever been scrutinized or been in a position of having to weigh the truth of a group or mob, it can be a daunting and exhausting responsibility. Too often, those called upon to mediate can grow weary and make quick decisions. The solution tends to err in the direction of taking the smaller group or individual out of the equation in order to bring "peace." This is often the accused, the pastor or the leader; whichever will bring about the least amount of perceived collateral damage. 

Scripture would caution us to take slow and deliberate steps to insure justice for all sides. Favoritism of either the alleged "victim/powerless" or the one in power without due process is not a godly option. (Leviticus 19:15) Accountability and protection are due all parties. This will take time and possibly many conversations to arrive at a resolution. Each party should be provided with all of the information and given ample opportunity to respond to any and all accusations. Owning responsibility and rightfully being offered the opportunity to defend oneself against false or true accusations is a basic biblical requirement. Our secular legal system affords this basic right, but sometimes the church falls short.

4. The Failure of Leadership

Within the context of this complexity, Barthel and Edling say this to leaders:

In each of the group dynamic situations listed above, one of the primary things being revealed is a failure of leadership. God calls spiritual leaders to lead his people into the place where all interests of man are subservient to God's interests (see Phil. 2:1-4). Leaders are called to help people understand the dangerous dynamics discussed above so they can be avoided in the future and repented of if already present. (p. 101)

While I found all of these insights to be helpful, one critical piece that they do not state is the potential presence of a "ring-leader." In group conflict, there are likely one or two people who fuel the fire and draw others in to accomplish their goals. Other research suggests that the ring-leader appeals to vulnerable, fearful people in a variety of ways in order to increase those who are involved in their "crusade." This is often the case when the "ring-leader/s" are set on winning and not reconciliation. Rarely do you find a ringleader where all parties are committed to reconciliation.

I highly recommend this excellent resource and would encourage you to read and prayerfully consider how you can be an active part in redeeming the next group conflict in which you are involved (Ephesians 4:1-6).

Have you found yourself in this situation? The accused, accuser or the one called to mediate? What would you add to the conversation?

To learn more about Tara Barthel follow this link: www.tarabarthel.com

To learn more about the book follow this link: www.redeemingchurchconflicts.com

After reading this post, the first five people who comment on this site and send their mailing address to timlaneinfo@gmail.com will receive a free copy of the book signed by Tara Barthel.

Copyright © 2014 Timothy S. Lane with Barbara Casey Lane. All rights reserved.

Heaven: Better Than Sex?

An imaginary conversation:

Jesus, you have to help me out. Are you really telling me that there is something better than sex?

Jesus: Is your imagination really that limited? Your fantasy life is dull and boring. Let me tell you about something far greater than sex.

Luke 20:27-40 are sobering and life-giving verses. They are a breath of fresh air that rescues sex from the hype and melodrama of our culture. So what exactly does this passage teach us about sex and heaven?

The passage teaches us that we, like the Sadducees, misunderstand the nature of heaven.

Jesus challenges both the Sadducees and our understanding of the afterlife by saying something utterly shocking. In fact, this is one passage that ought to convince you of the Divine authorship of Scripture. No human author or mere human being would say something like this. Yet Jesus is not a kill-joy. He wants to introduce you to something that is far more joyful and ecstatic than any marriage or sexual experience. Something to which sex points. In so doing, he redeems sex and marriage by putting them in their proper place. Marriage and sex are temporary blessings that pass away with the old order of things when the new heavens and earth are ushered in.

No other world religion that affirms an afterlife talks like this as far as I know. Islam and Mormonism speak of sex in the afterlife. Modern Judaism is vague at best. Eastern religions like Hinduism and Buddhism speak of heaven as a bodiless impersonal state. The goal in this life is to gain control over one’s desires. Christianity, alone, speaks of a bodily resurrection and yet says that there will be no marriage or sex in heaven. This is not because Christianity has a negative view of the physical world. The Bible affirms the goodness of marriage, sexual union and pleasure within the context of marriage!

Like us, the Sadducees viewed heaven as a bland, indefinite continuation of this life. Jesus, in taking marriage and sex out of the equation, is actually saying that life in heaven is so much more than a bland continuation of this life. However great or horrible marriage or sex may have been for you, heaven takes us into a dimension where one is called to imagine the unimaginable. Only C. S. Lewis could capture this amazing comparison in such a simple way as he does in the following quote,

I think our present outlook might be like that of a small boy who, on being told that the sexual act was the highest bodily pleasure should immediately ask whether you ate chocolates at the same time. On receiving the answer “No,” he might regard absence of chocolates as the chief characteristic of sexuality. In vain would you tell him that the reason why lovers in their carnal raptures don’t bother about chocolates is that they have something better to think of. The boy knows chocolate: he does not know the positive thing that excludes it. We are in the same position. We know the sexual life; we do not know, except in glimpses, the other thing which, in Heaven, will leave no room for it.                                                            C.S. Lewis, Miracles, 166-167

This quote from Lewis points us clearly in the direction of Revelation 21 and 22. Here we are given a glimpse into the nature of heaven and the world we were truly created for.

Copyright © 2014 Timothy S. Lane. All rights reserved.

Sex and Heaven?

What is there to talk about in the New Year? How about a complicated passage of Scripture that says some really odd things about sex, the resurrection and heaven? Here’s the passage from Luke 20:27-40.

27 Some of the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to Jesus with a question. 28 “Teacher,” they said, “Moses wrote for us that if a man’s brother dies and leaves a wife but no children, the man must marry the widow and raise up offspring for his brother. 29 Now there were seven brothers. The first one married a woman and died childless.30 The second 31 and then the third married her, and in the same way the seven died, leaving no children. 32 Finally, the woman died too. 33 Now then, at the resurrection whose wife will she be, since the seven were married to her?”

34 Jesus replied, “The people of this age marry and are given in marriage. 35 But those who are considered worthy of taking part in the age to come and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage, 36 and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God’s children, since they are children of the resurrection.37 But in the account of the burning bush, even Moses showed that the dead rise, for he calls the Lord ‘the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.’ 38 He is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for to him all are alive.” 39 Some of the teachers of the law responded, “Well said, teacher!” 40 And no one dared to ask him any more questions.

For some, the thought of not having to deal with sex in heaven is just fine. It may even be a relief due to your past experiences. Shame, abuse, negative teachings that have left you guilt ridden will be gone and you won’t have to deal with this creepy subject ever again. Heaven is your great escape from something you loathe.

For others, you wonder if this passage really teaches what it seems to teach. You may try some hermeneutical tricks to make the passage say something else. No sex in heaven is not a relief but a supreme disappointment. 

Whichever the case may be for you, we must admit that we live in strange times. Sexual images are all around us and easily accessible in ways that no other culture has ever seen. We are truly a walking example of how voracious the human appetite can be. Satisfying it is futile. The more you feed it, the more it wants. The more it wants, the more you feed it. Sin truly is a vicious cycle. I am fond of this quote from Malcolm Muggeridge who writes towards the end of the 20th century as an older man. He brings perspective to our culture and how it worships sex.

When the Devil makes his offer (always open, incidentally) of the kingdoms of the earth, it is the bordellos that glow so alluringly to most of us, not the banks and the counting houses, the board rooms and the executive offices. We can easily resist becoming millionaires or privy councilors, but to swim away on a tide of sensual ecstasy, to be lost in another body, to fly as high as the ceiling on the wings of the night, or even of the afternoon—that, surely is something. The imagination recoils from the prizes, or toys of a materialistic society. Who but some half-witted oil sheik or popular actor can go on desiring sleek yachts or motorcars or white villas perched above yellow sands? But what about the toys in living flesh? The Barbie dolls that bleed? The Hefner Playmates that move? The celluloid loves forever panting and forever young. Sex is the mysticism of a materialist society, with its own mysteries—this is my birth control pill; swallow in remembrance of me! And its own sacred texts and scriptures—the erotica that fall like black rain on the just and unjust alike, drenching us, blinding us, stupefying us. To be carnally minded is life. So we have ventured on, Little Flowers of D. H. Lawrence (p. 63 Jesus Rediscovered, Malcolm Muggeridge).

What a contrast between what Jesus is teaching and what our culture celebrates. For our culture, this teaching in Luke 20 is a terrible shock and potential disappointment. It is spoken by the very person who created and affirmed the physical world (John 1:3, Colossians 1:16).  He also wanted us to keep the physical world in proper context and perspective.

It appears that this passage is as relevant today as it was when it was first spoken. We may not immediately put sex and heaven together, but Jesus does. In so doing, he has much to teach us.

Copyright © 2014 Timothy S. Lane. All rights reserved.

Who Can Help You Love Your Family?

Who can help you persevere in your relationships with your family? Who can enable you to change the way you relate to them?

Jesus said some surprising things about how we are to relate to our families. Listen to these startling words:

Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:25-27)

You might be thinking, “How can this passage help me love my family? It seems like Jesus is encouraging me to do what I naturally want to do!”  But Jesus isn’t saying that we are to actively hate our parents or siblings—that would contradict other places where Jesus calls us to love our enemies, and it would be a violation of the fifth commandment where we are called to honor our parents and provide for our families (1 Timothy 5:8). So what does he mean?

We get some help by comparing this passage to what Jesus says on the same subject in Matthew.

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”(Matthew 10:37-39)

Notice that Jesus is using comparative language (more than) to contrast our love for him to our love for family. He is not saying we should actively hate our families. Instead he is saying something quite radical—you can’t be his disciple unless you treasure him above everything else.  Our love for him must far surpass our love for anything or anyone else including family. Our devotion to him should be so unique that all other loves will look like hatred by comparison.

We all grew up in families where parents and siblings sinned against us and disappointed us. When our need for their approval is more important to us than our love for God, it’s easy to hold grudges and be angry and bitter for them not treating us the way we think we ought to be treated. But when God is first in our hearts, we can put their failures and sins into a bigger context of our primary relationship with God, and we won’t be eaten up by bitterness and disappointment. This won’t be automatic or easy—remember, Jesus said to “take up your cross daily” (Luke 9:23). You must die to yourself every day by finding your identity in what Jesus has done for you in his life, death, and resurrection.

For more on this subject, read Family Feuds: How to Respond  Copyright©2008 by Timothy S. Lane