Adultery: Divorce or Rebuild?

Once the affair has come to light, both spouses have a choice to make. Often, two dead end options are chosen that are unwise and harmful.

• The couple decides to stay in the marriage but they never discuss what happened.
• The couple chooses to stay in the marriage while the infidelity continues.

Be careful to avoid harsh judgment of the spouse who has been betrayed and wants to stay in the marriage. There may be a number of understandable reasons. Some good, some bad and some purely pragmatic. The reasons may include financial security, concern for the children, avoidance of shame, or a genuine love for their spouse. 

What are two biblical options?

• End the Marriage. Yes, this is a godly, biblical option but is not to be taken lightly. Scripture clearly teaches that adultery is valid grounds for the betrayed spouse to pursue divorce (Matthew 19:8-9).
• Stay and Work on the Marriage. This option is advocated by both Christian and non-Christian therapists. This is a completely valid option and one that ought to be considered.

Don’t Make a Decision too Quickly in a Volatile Emotional Moment.

Remember, both options are going to require work. Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is not easy, but neither is dissolving one, particularly if there are children involved. Regardless of the choice to leave or stay, it is wise to discourage a quick decision when emotions are running high. You have the opportunity to remain the trusted advisor who walks through both the initial shock and wise next steps. 

Why Bother Rebuilding?

When a couple faces the serious consequences of an affair, it is tempting to think that ending quickly is the best solution. It’s understandable for them to feel this way, but before they take decisive action, help them consider why they might want to work at rebuilding.

First, throughout the Bible, God models moving toward and not away from those who have acted as his enemies. The Apostle Paul explains it this way, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).  This theme of reconciliation runs through the whole Bible. God sent his Son to die so that our broken relationships could be restored. He wants us to “if possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18).

Jesus affirms this in his teaching on divorce.  He points out that divorce was never a command, but only a concession due to sin (Matthew 19:1-9). His discussion of divorce shows how seriously God views the commitment a couple makes when they marry. Rebuilding a marriage has the potential to reflect the forgiving and reconciling character of God. 

A second reason to make every effort to help the couple rebuild their marriage has to do with the future quality of the relationship. Even those not writing from a Christian worldview say that while the memory of the unfaithfulness never goes away, it often becomes a catalyst for the marriage to become more honest and loving. It becomes a “wake up call” of sorts. This is not automatic and it will not be easy. Both spouses need a lot of strengthening grace from Christ to move towards one another in this way.

Typical Responses to an Affair

In her book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Janis Abrahms Spring provides some helpful case wisdom regarding the experience of the betrayed and betraying spouse, as well as the stereotypical differences between men and women (Chapters 1-2). The importance for the care-giver at this point is to incarnate the grace of Christ to both, not just one. Notice, as well, how much work it takes to understand the complexity of each situation where infidelity is present. Abrahms does a good job of detailing responses to an affair by both parties. It is clear that this is the result of many years of experience.

Typical Responses of the Betrayed Spouse: Buried in an Avalanche of Losses.

• Heightened Sense of Anxiety: significant physiological responses like that of severe trauma.
• Loss of Identity: the affair forces you to re-define yourself in a fundamental way. Who am I if you and the marriage are not what I thought?
• Loss of Sense of Specialness: I thought I meant something to you.
• Shame: an initial response to the affair is to do anything to keep your spouse in order to avoid the embarrassment.
• Loss of Faith in God: where is God in this? I feel forsaken.
• Loss of Connection with Others: Who can I confide in?
• Loss of Sense of Purpose: this can even lead to suicidal thoughts.
• Shock and Disbelief: “When I first uncovered your secret, I stopped feeling special to you. But on a deeper level, I lost trust in the world and in myself.”

Typical Responses of the Betraying Spouse

• Relief: It is out in the open. I don’t have to live a lie anymore.
• Impatience: I have left my lover and told you everything. What else do you want from me?
• Chronic Anxiety: As long as I keep busy, I’ll be okay.
• Minimizing Guilt: once revealed, in the early stages, they often tend to justify the affair. The betrayed is made to feel guilty for not being committed to the marriage.
• Grieving Loss of the Affair: The other person made me feel so special.
• Guilt over Children: What will the kids think of me?
• Isolation, Hopelessness, Paralysis: See the marriage as hopeless and just a prison to endure.
• Shame: I feel like such a sleaze for doing this.

Typical Differences between Men and Women who are Betrayed

• Women try to preserve, men run
• Women get depressed, men get angry
• Women feel inadequate as companions, men as lovers
• Women Obsess, men distrust themselves

Typical Differences between Men and Women who are Unfaithful

• Women seek soul mates, men seek playmates
• Women justify if for love, men if not for love. I loved him. I didn’t love her.
• Women anguish over affairs (My affair has complicated my life). Men enjoy them (My affair has given me life.)

Of course, while these lists are helpful, you must be careful not to stereo-type men and women or those who betray or are betrayed by their spouse. It is imperative to make every effort to understand the unique nature, dynamic and impact of the affair on the couple and each individual. You are building a bridge that will enable you to cross over into wise ministry.

Are All Affairs Alike

As you care for couples where infidelity has occurred, it is important to take the first step and encourage them for seeking help. I will develop this more fully in future posts, but this is exactly why the church exists and why Jesus came! It is also important to realize that not all affairs are alike. Taking the time to determine the nature of the affair will inform your ongoing care for the couple.

Here are a few types of affairs likely happening in your congregation as we speak:

• The one night stand with a stranger: this type of infidelity does not tend to be built on much relational capital. It could be motivated by many things such as pleasure, excitement, or power. Sometimes it is driven by anger and a person will have an affair to hurt their spouse. The obvious concern is how often the person has engaged in this type of infidelity.

• Multiple one night stands with strangers (philandering): this type of an affair has a habitual, possibly life-dominating nature that will be harder to address than the isolated one night stand.

• The one night stand with a friend: this type of infidelity tends to develop within the context of a relationship. Even if it was a onetime event, there could be more going on than infidelity with a stranger. Also, if the friend knows both spouses, the relational fall out will be significant. The spouse who has been cheated on will always struggle to trust his or her spouse around that person or other friends.

• The emotional affair: this type of unfaithfulness stops short of any physical intimacy, but it has all the other aspects of an affair. In essence, the person begins to think about being in this person’s company more than they do their spouse’s. This type of an affair often goes unnoticed because no sexual intimacy exists. This can also occur between people of the same sex.

• The Cyberspace Affair: this is a relatively new kind of affair. There are two ways this affair can progress. It may start simply as a personal interaction through facebook. It may also start with impersonal online pornography which moves to a more personal interaction. It can ultimately move to an arranged meeting and ultimately physical involvement. This kind of affair is on the rise as internet pornography engulfs the wired world.

• The long term affair/second spouse: this is an affair where someone stays in their marriage for certain reasons (family, children, reputation), but is more committed to their extra partner who functions more like a lover/companion while the spouse functions more like a father/mother. These kinds of affairs can thrive for a long time and are difficult to end.

If the affair has gone on for a long period of time (several months) and the emotional/relational side has developed, it will be more challenging. It may take much longer to deal with the implications and consequences on the marriage. The longer someone is in an affair, the more deluded they are about needing the other partner in their lives.

You can see that there are many variations on a theme. Each affair has unique nuances that you don’t want to miss. Being a patient, good listener will serve you and the couple well as you embody the grace of Christ in these early stages of care.

Adultery: Alive and Well in Your Church?

Welcome to the real world that I was not prepared for upon graduating from seminary! Early on in my pastoral career, I was faced with a host of marriage situations including marital infidelity. Consider the following potential scenarios:

• Robert and Susan entered my office.  Robert looked sheepish. Susan’s mouth was tight and angry. After they sat down, Robert said, “I had an affair with a woman at work that ended a year ago. Susan and I both want to save our marriage, but we’re stuck. Susan doesn’t trust me, and I am tired of always having to talk about it.  I want to make things right with her, but I don’t know how.” 

• Greg sat silently as Rachel struggled to tell the story. She had become emotionally involved with her best friend’s husband. They weren’t sexually intimate, but he had replaced Greg emotionally in Rachel’s life. Rachel was relieved because everything was out in the open and Greg still wanted to work on the marriage. Greg, though, was reeling from the initial shock and struggling with hurt, anger, self-doubt, and fear.

• Joe called and asked if he and his wife, Melissa, could meet with me.  He told me that when he was on the road for work he had a series of one night stands. A few months ago Melissa caught him, and he promised to stop. They wanted to keep their marriage going because of their children, but they were fighting all the time—was there hope for their marriage?

It is encouraging that each of these couples is trying to put their marriage back together after it was ruptured by some degree of infidelity. After the initial shock, they are attempting to rebuild their marriage, but it is harder than they expected.

 According to Peggy Vaughan, in her book The Monogamy Myth, 60% of men and 40% of women will engage in some form of an affair. She says that these numbers are conservative. What pastor, friend or counselor has not faced the challenge of walking with a couple through the difficult season of unfaithfulness? Typically, what is true in the broader culture is reflected in the church. We should assume that people who are in our congregations are facing these temptations and be prepared to offer help.

Are you and your spouse struggling to rebuild your marriage after adultery? Don't give up. Are you a pastor, friend or counselor trying to find your way as you seek to help a couple in the midst of unfaithfulness? Whatever you do, don't be shocked and see this as yet one of many opportunities for Christ-centered ministry.

Over the next several days I will highlight some things that have been helpful for couples who have experienced the hard reality of adultery.