What is the Fruit of Emotional Intelligence?

Photo by travis bradberry

Photo by travis bradberry

In the tree to your right, you will see the fruit of emotional intelligence (EQ). If you reflect on your current work environment, you will immediately see why these are so important! They are also incredibly important for all of your relationships.

In his book Emotional Intelligence, Dan Goleman talks about self-control and empathy. If we are going to evidence the types of attitudes and behaviors that we see in the diagram, we have to understand just what it is we need to focus on as we seek to grow in EQ. Goleman says:

For one, impulse is the medium of emotion; the seed of all impulse is a feeling bursting to express itself in action. Those who are at the mercy of impulse—who lack self-control—suffer a moral deficiency: The ability to control impulse is the base of will and character. By the same token, the root of altruism lies in empathy, the ability to read emotions in others; lacking a sense of another’s need or despair, there is no caring. And if there are any two moral stances that our times call for, they are precisely these, self-restraint and compassion.

So you can see how very important EQ is. Understanding our emotions and expressing them appropriately is no simple matter. In addition, empathy is at the core of creating safety in our relationships. It is that impulse of emotion that we need to understand in order to grow. That is no small challenge because the time between emotion, impulse and action is a fraction of a second! Often, we are reacting to people and situations based upon perceptions that may or may not be accurate.

Roger Birkman, who developed the Birkman Method assessment, understands that EQ is challenging to grow in because most of us live life based upon our own perceptions of ourselves and others that can often be wrong. He says this,

Individuals naturally have selective perceptions about the way they see themselves and others…We each tend to approach tasks with our own bias ‐ the window through which we see the world. When we perform our assigned jobs, naturally we see things our way and tend to find other groupsʹ ideas different and strange – even wrong or threatening. Because we view the world through our own filters, often we base our beliefs and subsequent actions on wrong perceptions. These understandable but inaccurate expectations can lead us to behave in ways that cause problems for ourselves and for other people.

Below are some of those perceptions that bias our judgement:

  • I'm normal, it's other people who have a problem.

  • Most people feel the way I do.

  • The best way to do something is my way.

  • The way someone acts is the way they want to be treated by others.

  • There is an ideal personality style------mine!

Given these biases, you can see why we often fail to slow down. When we don’t, we either run over others or miss them altogether. Slowing down enables us to push against our natural inclination to view the world through our narrow perspective and consider our limitations and the perceptions of others.

Scripture is replete with encouragement to slow down and not get hijacked in the moment. In Ephesians 5:15, Paul says, “Pay attention to how you live, not as unwise but as wise.” Additionally, throughout the New Testament, Jesus uses the word, Behold, over and over to get our attention.

In our next blog, we will look at the 12 competencies that EQ has found that can enable us to slow down. If we combine these skills with a secure relationship with God through his self-giving love and grace, we have the potential to see significant change in ourselves and in our relationships and become more proficient at the skills listed on the tree above.

Copyright © 2018 Timothy S. Lane

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Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President of the Institute for Pastoral Care and has a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA. He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at CCEF in Philadelphia, PA (Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation). Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches.  For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.

Emotional Intelligence and the Brain

Three level brain.gif

In the previous post, we saw how important it is to answer the question, "What are emotions?" before we could answer the question, "What is Emotional Intelligence (EQ)?" The next thing we need is a brief overview of how the brain works. Using the triune brain theory helps to simplify something that could get very complex! This perspective is just one of many since the brain involves much more complexity than we will be discussing here.

As you can see in the photo, three layers control different aspects of human functioning. The two regions we are most interested in when it comes to EQ are the limbic region (where our emotions live) and the neocortex region (where our high-order thinking operates). The goal in EQ is to have these two regions work in tandem with one another. The challenge is that the limbic region can easily hi-jack the neocortex region because it is processing data before if reaches the neocortex. In his book, Emotional Intelligence, Dan Goleman puts it this way:

These two minds, the emotional and the rational, operate in tight harmony for the most part, intertwining their very different ways of knowing to guide us through the world. Ordinarily there is a balance between emotional and rational minds, with emotion feeding into and informing the operations of the rational mind, and the rational mind refining and sometimes vetoing the inputs of the emotions. Still, the emotional and rational minds are semi-independent faculties, each reflecting the operation of distinct, but interconnected, circuitry in the brain (p.9)

The skills that are taught in EQ are precisely aimed at helping us to slow down, so that we don't experience an "emotional hijacking." I am reminded of James' simple exhortation in James 1:19:

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."

Notice how James has to get our attention by first saying, "take note of this." It is as if he knows that we need a lot of help slowing down, so he asks us to slow down before he tells us to slow down! Jesus does something similar when he utters one simple word: "Behold!" You see it over and over again in Jesus' teachings. It is another way of getting our attention before he gets our attention.

It appears that long before the advent of modern research and neuroscience, keen observers of human behavior saw this tendency. Unfortunately, some concluded that emotions were less than human and tended to view them as inferior to thought. God is the creator of our physical bodies, and he created us with emotions. They are intrinsically good. It is what we do with them that matters. They are to be managed, but emotions can play a significant role in wise decision-making.

Goleman addresses this:

While the world often confronts us with an unwieldy array of choices (How should you invest your retirement savings? Whom should you marry?), the emotional learning that life has given us (such as the memory of a disastrous investment or a painful breakup) sends signals that streamline the decision by eliminating some options and highlighting others at the outset. In this way, Dr. Damasio argues, the emotional brain is as involved in reasoning as is the thinking brain.....The emotions, then, matter for rationality.

In essence, what Goleman is stating is that IQ and EQ, when working together create the best decision. In light of this, it is important that we do not fall into the trap of minimizing emotions or even viewing them in a negative light. When we do that, we will not grow in wisdom.

When the Apostle Paul calls us to be "transformed by the renewing of our mind," he has in view the whole person. The word that is used for "mind" is not just speaking about one's cognition but one's affections. In order to be transformed, we need the Holy Spirit to aid us in linking the thinking and feeling brains together.

In our next post, we will begin to more clearly define EQ.

Copyright © 2018 Timothy S. Lane

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Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President of the Institute for Pastoral Care and has a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA. He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at CCEF in Philadelphia, PA (Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation). Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches.  For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.

What Are Emotions?

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Recently, I was asked by several organizations and churches to do some work with their staff on the topic of EQ or Emotional Intelligence. Not only was I impressed that these organizations were requesting this kind of training, I was also excited about the opportunity to do some research and develop 4-5 sessions on the topic.

What started as a deep dive into EQ sent me to a much more basic question; "What are Emotions?" This is not an easy question to answer but it is essential if you are going to grow in EQ; which everyone can.

In his groundbreaking book, Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ (1995), Daniel Goleman defines emotions this way:

All emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us. The very root of the word emotion is motere, the Latin verb “to move,” plus the prefix “e-” to connote “move away,” suggesting that a tendency to act is implicit in every emotion (p.6)
A word about what I refer to under the rubric emotion, a term whose precise meaning psychologists and philosophers have quibbled over for more than a century. In its most literal sense, The Oxford English Dictionary defines emotion as “any agitation or disturbance of mind, feeling, passion: any vehement or excited mental state.” I take emotion to refer to a feeling and its distinctive thoughts, psychological and biological states, and range of propensities to act. There are hundreds of emotions, along with their blends, variations, mutations, and nuances. Indeed, there are many more subtleties of emotion than we have words for (p.289).

In other words, emotions are what propel us into action. They are a vital part of what it means to be human. Without emotion, we would cease to act. While Goleman says that the nuances of emotions are endless, there are a variety of "families" of emotions that we are able to identify. Here are 10:

1. Anger: fury, outrage, resentment, wrath, exasperation, indignation, vexation, acrimony, animosity, annoyance, irritability, hostility, and, perhaps at the extreme, pathological hatred and violence.
2. Sadness: grief, sorrow, cheerlessness, gloom, melancholy, self-pity, loneliness, dejection, despair, and, when pathological, severe depression.
3. Fear: anxiety, apprehension, nervousness, concern, consternation, misgiving, wariness, qualm, edginess, dread, fright, terror (phobia and panic).
4. Enjoyment: happiness, joy, relief, contentment, bliss, delight, amusement, pride, sensual pleasure, thrill, rapture, gratification, satisfaction, euphoria, whimsy, ecstasy (mania).
5. Love: acceptance, friendliness, trust, kindness, affinity, devotion, adoration, infatuation, agape.
6. Surprise: shock, astonishment, amazement, wonder.
7. Disgust: contempt, disdain, scorn, abhorrence, aversion, distaste, revulsion.
8. Shame: guilt, embarrassment, chagrin, remorse, humiliation, regret, mortification, and contrition.
9. Inadequacy: helpless, inferior, powerless, incompetent, useless, inept, mediocre.
10. Confusion: distracted, rattled, baffled, bewildered, mystified, flustered, perplexed, jarred, puzzled, jolted.

According to research, in order to grow in EQ, you have to be able to identify and name emotions when you experience them. As you do this, you are more able to empathize with the emotions of others.

Scripture is a book that is very much at home with emotions. The Psalms are the most obvious place to look for them. You will see most if not all of the 10 listed above. All of them can be expressed in helpful and wise ways or unhelpful and unwise ways. They can be expressed in such a way that builds others up or tears someone down. The challenge is managing them wisely. That is a key aspect of EQ.

How are you doing with identifying emotions in your life? Perhaps you could be more mindful of them as you go throughout your day. As you do, take moments to record your emotions and identify them as carefully as possible. This is a very important aspect of growing in wisdom and grace.

Copyright © 2018 Timothy S. Lane

Comment

Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President of the Institute for Pastoral Care and has a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA. He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at CCEF in Philadelphia, PA (Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation). Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches.  For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.

Leadership and Emotional Intelligence

The reality of life is that your perceptions--right or wrong-- influence everything else you do. When you get a proper perspective of your perceptions, you may be surprised how many other things fall into place.
-- Dr. Roger W. Birkman 1919-2014

If you are connected on LinkedIn or any other leadership website or forum, you probably have noticed quite a bit of talk about Emotional Intelligence or EQ. EQ is a way of talking about two things:

  1. Self-Awareness: How do I understand my own emotions and exercise self-control?
  2. Other-Awareness: How do I understand others and interact in ways that are beneficial?

Both of these perspectives are critical for all relationships, but especially in the workplace where personalities can often clash with one another due to a lack of personal awareness and other awareness.

If you lead a church staff, work for an organization, or are in any relationships with people, growing in emotional intelligence should be a critical desire and goal. So, how do we begin to achieve that goal?

In a recent blog by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, he gives these examples of a leader adjusting their leadership style to fit the need of the moment:

At 9 a.m., Emma met with a skilled team effective on day-to-day assignments but lacking a broader view of the company’s goals. She articulated a shared mission and the big picture, which got them motivated and headed in the right strategic direction.

At 10 a.m., she joined a group having a crisis after an overnight fire destroyed the warehouse of one of the company’s key suppliers. She knew that an emergency like this meant she needed to take a directive approach; she tasked group members to plan work-arounds and initiated a customer service response to manage delayed deliveries.

At 1 p.m., Emma headed to a session with a team that had lost most of its senior members after a recent wave of reassignments. She adopted a coaching role, helping the group recognize their missing skills and devising a way to quickly build the team’s capabilities.

By mid-afternoon Emma had already used three different leadership styles. To be an effective leader in today’s changing world, you need more than a one-size-fits-all approach to leadership. You must adjust your leadership style to face the challenges of the moment.

First, a quick review. Here are several leadership styles that produce a positive work climate and outstanding performance:

Visionary leaders articulate a shared mission and give long-term direction.
Participative leaders get consensus to generate new ideas and build commitment.
Coaching leaders foster personal and career development.
Affiliative leaders create trust and harmony.

In the short-term, directive leaders who simply give commands and pacesetters focused only on hitting targets (like the emergency situation Emma confronted) can be effective. In the long-term, however, such styles produce a negative climate and very poor performance.

In March of 2015, I pursued certification to use a tool called the Birkman Method to help leaders and teams grow in Emotional Intelligence. In addition to learning how to use this tool to help others, my training also allowed me to grow in greater self-awareness and learn how my own leadership style could be both productive and not so productive given the situation. I wished I had been exposed to this while I was in seminary preparing for leadership in ministry.

Humility is always an important key to good leadership. I have worked with dozens of pastors, leaders and staff to help them work better together.

Here are some practical outcomes that can emerge as a result of using the Birkman Method:

  • Improve communication
  • Increase management effectiveness
  • Build cohesive teams and reduce conflict
  • Improve sales
  • Discover hidden potential of current employees for greater productivity
  • Reduce turnover
  • Develop accurate job descriptions

If you are interested in finding out more about the Birkman Method and what others are saying about how it has helped them and their teams, follow this link or click on the image to the right.

Copyright © 2017 Timothy S. Lane
Comment

Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President of the Institute for Pastoral Care and has a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA. He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at CCEF in Philadelphia, PA (Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation). Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches.  For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.

A Web of Care: External Resources

Here are five strands of external care (building upon the internal strands) that can be leveraged to strengthen the pastoral ministry in your local church.

It is important to note that there are professionals in various areas who may or may not attend your church. As best you can, know who they are and get a sense of how they might be utilized in ways that can strengthen your web of care. This will require humility and wisdom. If some of these people attend your church, get them to help you identify the resources available in your community.

Strand One: Specially trained counselors. If you have professionally trained counselors in your church, they can be a rich resource for helping you care for and equip other people. The obvious challenge is recognizing what models are most influential in their care. Make every effort to pursue them and begin a conversation that moves in the direction of mutual understanding and appreciation. Most professionally trained counselors have not been adequately exposed to Biblical and theological categories that are essential to distinctively Christian counseling. It is also true that many pastors and leaders have not had adequate exposure to helpful diagnoses and skills in discipling ministry with more complex struggles. Strive to bring these two together.

Strand Two: Doctors and Psychiatrists. The physical body is complex. While doctors and psychiatrists are not omniscient, their training does provide insight into how the body influences the person. The same situation that exists with professionally trained counselors is true of doctors and psychiatrists. If you want a stronger web of care, do the same with them as you would do with the group in strand one. 

Strand Three: Social Workers. People in the helping professions, including counselors, can be a rich resource for the local church. Hospice care, those who care for the elderly, crisis pregnancy providers, suicide intervention, coroners, nurses, EMS, substance abuse and police officers are some of the many people who can play a role in very specific ways in the body of Christ. Often, they can be leveraged to do significant training for highly active lay people. Their experience and case wisdom is invaluable. Capture it for the good of others.

Strand Four: Every Member. One of the main aspects of a web of care is the daily relationships of each and every person in your church. As important as trained professionals are, there is no replacement for a person's daily friendships. These are the people who really know the person and are there around the clock. Every member in the local church should be equipped at some level to wisely care for those closest to them. You would do well to spend time equipping this group with basic skills for listening and a knowledge of where they can be helpful and where they may be over their heads.

Strand Five: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It goes without saying that within the context of the body of Christ, there are many strands of the web of care that can be found outside of the local church. One aspect that can not be found or manufactured anywhere else is the presence of a personal God who is graciously involved and working His good purposes in every Christian's life. We do well to remember that the local church has a "resource" that no other organization or institution has; a gracious, personal redeeming God who has revealed Himself in the person of Jesus and works mysteriously through the Holy Spirit.

Finally, it is helpful to remember that the primary metaphor for the church used over and over again in the Bible is that of a body. There are many parts and each part is needed in order for the body to function well. As you consider both internal and external strands within the body of Christ, you begin to see how very important each strand is. You also see just how important it is for each strand to be connected wisely to one another. The strands cannot exist as parallel entities. It is the role of wise leadership to strengthen the interconnectedness of the various people who represent these multiple aspects of care. This will only happen if wise leadership encourages and facilitates this connection. Once it does, a web of care will emerge that will provide a more safe, secure and wise context to provide care for the people who attend your local church.

Copyright © 2014 Timothy S. Lane 

Comment

Tim Lane

Dr. Timothy S. Lane is the President of the Institute for Pastoral Care and has a counseling practice in Fayetteville, GA. He is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), having been ordained in 1991 and a member of Metro-Atlanta Presbytery. Tim has authored Living Without Worry: How to Replace Anxiety with Peace, and co-authored How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. He has written several mini-books including PTSD, Forgiving Others, Sex Before Marriage, Family Feuds, Conflict, and Freedom From Guilt.

He has experience in both campus ministry (University of Georgia, 1984-1987) and pastoral ministry where he served as a pastor in Clemson, SC from 1991 until 2001. Beginning in 2001 until 2013, he served as a counselor and faculty at CCEF in Philadelphia, PA (Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation). Beginning in 2007, he served as its Executive Director until 2013.

In 2014, Tim and his family re-located to his home state, Georgia, where he formed the non profit ministry the Institute for Pastoral Care. His primary desire and commitment is to help pastors and leaders create or improve their ability to care for the people who attend their churches.  For more information about this aspect of Tim's work, please visit the section of this site for the Institute for Pastoral Care. He continues to write, speak and travel both nationally and internationally. Tim is adjunct professor of practical theology at several seminaries where he teaches about pastoral care in the local church.